-Theater of the Absurd, Arizona
Homecoming Queen contender and Heather Chandler idolizer Jenny Wilmott finally wrapped up her aganozing cross exam of Janeen “As I Highlighted” DeMarte on Friday. (Editor’s note: If you were a teenager of the 80’s or 90’s and don’t know who Heather Chandler is, shame on you. Refer to the 1988 cult classic “Heathers,” starring a very young Winona Ryder, Christian Slater, and Shannen Doherty for details immediately.) Then Juan dropped a minor bombshell or three during re-direct, followed by a brief pop quiz from the jury.
1. Because my spoiled prince of a dog always has the greatest possible timing, he dragged me outside for a leisurely stroll through his kingdom right when Jenny apparently ate her own foot in the courtroom. Unbelievably, in my short absence, the screeching cat incredulously asked DeMarte if she ever bothered verifying any of Travis’ statements. When DeMarte informed her that she couldn’t interview a deceased person about their comments, the dim bulb flickered back (with an attitude), “So you’re saying you can’t confirm information with a dead person?”
“Right, because I can’t speak to them if they’re not alive,” reiterated a quietly astonished DeMarte. Baffled spectators were left wondering if perhaps defense expert LaViolette had doubled as a spiritual medium for the defense? Did Jenny and Alyce conduct a seance to get to the bottom of that heartless, abusive “Empty your voicemail already” text that Travis sent Jodi? The world will never know. Anyway, after rubbing against her scratching post and shrieking for awhile, Jenny finally threw in the towel, and earplugs were removed around the world. Siiiiiiigggghhhh….
2. Then “The Prosecutor” began his re-direct, and all kinds of new toe-curling info came out about Stabby Einstein. Apparently she showed up uninvited to Travis’ Christmas party, and was eventually spotted hiding and/or napping behind his Christmas tree. I’m sure LaViolette would have a totally innocent explanation for this. Stabby was probably just caroling through the neighborhood in an angel costume, and simply wanted to grace everyone with her not-at-all creepy rendition of “O Holy Night.” After being denied entry, she was forced to come down the chimney, dirtying her heavenly wings in the process, to share her beautiful gift of song with these ungrateful abusers, who only rejected her, stashing her behind the tree like an unwanted gift. Because she’s definitely the real victim in all this.
3. In between dozens of objections and sidebars, it crept out that Little Miss Stabby stole an engagement ring from Travis’ home. Nothing says “I’m scared of you” like stealing someone’s property. Take notes, ladies.
4. On the plane ride home from Travis’ memorial service, traumatized battered maiden Arias wasted no time finding a new Hottie Biscotti to obsess over. She not only got the guy’s digits, but she called the poor shmuck that very night. Like countless other abuse victims who have recently butchered a loved one in self defense. You gotta get back on the horse sometime.
5. Then the jury submitted a whopping 19 questions for DeMarte. I’m no math expert, but I’m pretty sure that’s hundreds less than they had for Stabby and her unbearable cohorts, Samuels and LaViolette.
6. Question: “Do you believe that deleting pictures from the camera and running it through the washer was an attempt to destroy evidence?”
Answer: Not just yes, but hells yes. Janeen went on to “highlight” that it was a perfect example of higher level thinking, which contradicts the post traumatic stress fairytale narrated by Boss Hogg Samuels. Dig it.
7. Question: “Would you throw out a PTSD test if it turned out instead of a bear, a tiger had attacked a person? Would someone give the same answers on the test if it was a bear vs a tiger?
Answer: Hell to the yes, she’d throw out that test, because they are two different experiences with two different predators, and therefore would provide different triggering episodes. Hmmm… I’m worried one juror strayed from the group during Alyce’s Mad Hatter Kool Aid party, and went exploring all the way into Wizard of Oz territory. All this talk about tigers and bears (oh my!) has me looking around the courtroom for lions and flying monkeys. Somebody put together a search and rescue party for this juror before the Wicked Witch of the defense table sweeps them up.
8. Question: “Do you think Jodi saying, “No jury will ever convict me” was due to BPD, especially since she was smiling when she said it?”
Answer: Janeen clicked the YES button.
9. Question: “Is it normal for an inmate to be depressed and have anxiety?”
Answer: DeMarte said yes. As clearly displayed by Stabby Einstein in those jailhouse interviews, when she said no jury would ever convict her, and that until trial she would “smile and say cheese!”
10. Janeen really likes highlighting things.