Scuttlebuttsurrebuttal Cram Session

-Down to the Wire, Arizona

Reports are coming in that Heavy D Nurmi and Homecoming Queen contender Jenny are now frantically cramming for their super professional scuttlebuttsurrebuttal presentation tomorrow. As would be expected, the dynamic duo with the combined brainpower of a stoned houseplant procrastinated through the long weekend. Heavy D reportedly chugged 40’s of malt liquor everynight, and slept until noon everyday, hogsnoring comfy-cozy as he rode the waves of his giant waterbed. Afternoons were apparently spent at the local Putt-Putt mini golf course, where  Nurmi the Large puffed on a reefer while wading through the fountain just past the tiny windmill to retrieve his ball. Evenings were allegedly spent in a drunken stupor.  “I saw him stumbling $hitfaced outside the Wonderland Gentleman’s Club on Friday night,” says a source. “Seven bouncers had kicked him out for calling them midgets, but he kept slamming on the door asking for someone named Alyce. Something about Kool Aid packets. Then he pissed himself and walked away” revealed the source. 

Meanwhile, petulant Mistress of Juvenilia Jenny had herself a homespa weekend, followed by a shopping spree for her and Stabby’s final performances in court. After an oatmeal-honey-yogurt facial recommended by TigerBeat magazine’s beauty editor, she hopped in her 1988 VW Cabriolet convertible and headed to the mall to stock up on costumes at Contempo Casuals. Upon returning home, she hopped into the tub for a long, relaxing soak with her favorite Sweet Valley High novel and a white wine spritzer. It wasn’t until Sunday evening that she even thought about the surrebuttal case she would have to present with Heavy D on Wednesday. By then, Nurmi was already three sheets to the wind at his place, blasting his favorite Kidd ‘n Play CD while toking from a mushroom shaped bong. Needless to say, Jenny’s call went unanswered. 

Only this afternoon, after both awoke with a splitting headache, did they finally decide to connect for a cram session. But sources say it may be too little, too late. “When these two get together, they become an enormous, pot-scented cloud of idiocy. Neither of them can formulate a coherent sentence. It’s painful to watch,” says the source. 

Will they make a pot of coffee and pull an all nighter? Will Nurmi stay awake for the presentation, or nod off since no raunchy sex talk is involved? Will Jenny’s costume choices be a hit? 

Tune in tomorrow for all the answers…

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82 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Mindus on April 30, 2013 at 8:33 pm

    OMG…the mental pictures are priceless! Thank you!

  2. Haha love it….

  3. My favorite parrt: ….”since no raunchy sex talk is involved? Will Jenny’s costume choices be a hit?”

  4. Posted by jenniferlyn on April 30, 2013 at 8:41 pm

    (jenniferlyn bows) I am not worthy!
    🙂

  5. Posted by christine reynolds on April 30, 2013 at 8:56 pm

    I cannot get enough …. lmao…..too great!

  6. Posted by Andrea on April 30, 2013 at 9:28 pm

    What an unexpected pleasure This was!

  7. Posted by susan on April 30, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    OMG…like the funniest thing I have read all day…I, had so many visuals going on…I can’t wait to see if the sisters will come dressed like Twinkees in the AM…kudos for such creative writing!!

  8. Posted by Gracerv7 on April 30, 2013 at 9:43 pm

    Too funny as I remember shopping at contempo casuals and reading Tiger Beat and Sweet Valley High! In my defense I was only 10!

  9. Posted by Lisa K on April 30, 2013 at 9:45 pm

    Sweet Valley High novel! Bwahahahaha! The mental images are fantabulous. Another well-writen expose by Egg-O!

    For some reason, this article made me think of snuggies. Which of the following is most likely to own … and wear … a snuggie: Wilma, Heavy D or Stabby?

    What do your sources say, Egg-O?

    I’m fairly certain that there will be raunchy talk tomorrow.

    • Well, since demons dont get cold, we know its not Stabby, so that leaves the gruesome twosome… Im gonna go with Nurmi, since he seems so into lounging. Yup. Nurmi in a leopard print snuggie.

      • Posted by jenniferlyn on May 1, 2013 at 1:02 am

        A sight I NEVER want assaulting my vision, or stored in my memory bank. ***shiver***

  10. Posted by Nancy Pennington on April 30, 2013 at 9:51 pm

    Great visuals as usual. Thanks sooo much!!

  11. Posted by GBPL on April 30, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    Total toss up of which words i loved best thru this series..”scuttlebuttsurrebuttal”, “Testilying” or your wonderful use of descriptions in your settings!!

    Petulant Jenny… puurrrfect again! She’s so amazingly annoying that I get so mad to even think of descriptive words for her…

    She looks too much like “Velma” from Scooby Doo..that I can only think of Scooby’s words “Ruh row” when she snaps her head up in trial!!!

    I can’t can’t CAN’T wait to read your take on tomorrow’s proceedings!!!

  12. Posted by gailie on April 30, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    OMG!!!! ‘TigerBeat’??? Who are you!!???? You live in my mind!!! I HAD TigerBeat mags!!! lmao!!! ((hugs!!!)))

    • Remember their tear-out posters of celebs? The perfect size for locker doors…
      Back when the two Coreys were on top of the world?

      • Posted by gailie on May 5, 2013 at 4:40 pm

        Oh… Eggie… I actually got Tiger Beat back to the Shawn Cassidy and Leif Garrett days… :p!… Keep up the good work… you’ve been a highlight to many people’s day (especially during this horrific trial…)

    • Posted by mkm19602000 on May 1, 2013 at 11:52 am

      I’ll see your Tiger Beat and raise you a Sixteen Magazine.

  13. Aww you’re too good to us Eggy…thank you for this unexpected late night treat.
    Anyone else heard the rumor that Heavy D is leaving his diminishing law practise and is off to Hollywood? Apparently he’s been hired to write the sequel to Boogie Nights.
    Prayers going out to TA’s family to remain strong throughout the remainder of this trial.

  14. Posted by Jaime on April 30, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    Here we go again!! You NEVER disappoint!! You are hilarious!

    Testilying is my FAVORITE!! Well, I have LOT’S of favorites from your blogs!! You are AWESOME!

  15. Posted by Tonya Brown on April 30, 2013 at 11:16 pm

    I am so happy I came across your blog. Reading your witty responses to this vicious blame-the-victim joke of a trial is a welcome treat.
    Looking forward to reading more in the future.
    I’m still giggling about Jenny & her Teen Beat magazine!

  16. Posted by jenniferlyn on May 1, 2013 at 12:59 am

    ROFLMAO @ Sweet Valley High reference.

    The a**hat that wrote these books probably spawned a few eating disorders with his unchanging description of Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield as “mirror images” of each other, both “evenly tanned, blonde haired, blue-eyed, and a perfect size 6”. Even so, I devoured these books as soon as they came out (or my parents bought me a new one) sometimes even finishing 2 in one day. (if I had nothing else to do but read) of course you had to START with the Sweet Valley Twins series first. I actually JUST read that they came out w/a furtherance of the S.V. High series in 2008, and get this – the twins were once again perfect…a perfect size 4!! REALLY? I swear, Marilyn Monroe would be considered obese by today’s standards!

    Between the S.V. High series, and the perfection of the girls in the Babysitters Club, it’s kind of amazing that any of it’s readers (myself included) have any self esteem at all!

    • Posted by Gracerv7 on May 1, 2013 at 7:12 pm

      Haaaaa!!! I remember always reading about thier perfect size six bodies! The only thing you left out is their matching gold pendants!

  17. I wonder how long the jury will deliberate? Color me nervous 🙄

    • Posted by Sheyla on May 1, 2013 at 8:23 am

      @ Jill

      I’m nervous too, haven’t been able to sleep. I wake up every other hour and pray, but I’m trusting God to deliver a GUILTY Verdict. We are to keep believing there will be JUSTICE for Travis!!!! My fellow eggers just pray without ceasing I Thess. 5:17, the next few days. May God bless Mr. Martinez, the Alexander family and the jurors.

      Albuquerque Support

      • i’m worried too. This last expert was just as stupid as the last two were. I just hope the jury will see through all the physco babble. Stabby, killed in a rage of jealousy and hate. Even today she has that self confident smirk on her face as if she think’s “no jury will ever convict me”

  18. Posted by wendy on May 1, 2013 at 3:38 am

    I just discovered your blog — thanks a lot — couldn’t stop reading and now I’m late for work!! Love to laugh out loud at the computer first thing in the morning! Thank you 🙂

  19. Posted by faye bennett on May 1, 2013 at 4:43 am

    Wow, you made my morning. I have to say that you have this defence group pegged. They do not know which end is up.

  20. Posted by Frank Martin on May 1, 2013 at 4:47 am

    “Then he pissed himself and walked away….” hahahahahahahahahahahahaha love this blog!!!

  21. Wonderful surprise this morning, wasn’t expecting this post! Bless you! Have a great day!!

  22. Posted by Wendy Allen on May 1, 2013 at 5:29 am

    I followed a link from JFT fb page and lo and behold there was a link to JUSTICE FOR JODY. Curious,
    I took the bait and couldn’t believe the trash in there. Mainly, that whoever is running that site HAS to have read your blogs because he/she/it has TRIED and FAILED at your genius writing skills. Even weirder is that it’s all flipped. Making lame, and I do mean lame, jokes about the prosecution.
    Just wanted to give you a heads up because there is only one now and forever Queen of the trial blogs and that is you Ms. Eggtree!!

  23. Posted by Lori on May 1, 2013 at 5:44 am

    Thanks so much for another priceless post. Your writing makes me laugh so hard that I cry!

  24. Posted by trylejunky on May 1, 2013 at 6:04 am

    alyce and kool aid packets….clouds of idiocy…. omg, you have no idea how i look forward to your posts and your humor. i literally laughed myself to tears. you are a phenomenal writer! you are my daily dose of fun!!

  25. Posted by Kathleen Oldfield on May 1, 2013 at 6:26 am

    I am almost -almost- sorry that the trial is winding down. Your blog is the funniest thing I have seen in ages. Your skewering of the defense team is hilarious. Your on- target description flashes through my mind whenever those two are on camera. Thanks for the joy!

  26. Posted by skyler1 on May 1, 2013 at 7:56 am

    Heehee. Love the mental pictures this gave me.

  27. Posted by Beans on May 1, 2013 at 10:27 am

    Never stop writing egg. The spirit of Hunter S. Thompson and the creators of National Lampoon lives on.

  28. Posted by Ria on May 1, 2013 at 10:32 am

    I am crying with laughter here! Contempo Casuals, OMG, that was my go to clothing store during the 80’s and I’d totally forgotten about it! And my dream car was a VW Cabriolet:) You made me think of Cindy in Can’t Buy Me Love:)

    • I bet Jenny will wear Cindy’s midriff-bearing white suede fringed outfit from that movie for closing arguments. 🙂

      • Posted by Ria on May 1, 2013 at 1:12 pm

        That would be amazing. After closing arguments were done Nurmi could pick her up in his ride on mower and off into the sunset they go!

  29. Another whopper post Egg!
    Jenny is just an ASS! How redundant can this bitch be?! She’s really trying to dig DeMarte in the ground.
    Is it cocktail time yet? Yes!

    • Im LOVING this. This guy is pure comedy.

      Its only 11:30 here, Cakeroll, so no cocktails for me. Yet. Not until the clock hits about 3:00. Then we’ll have a party. 🙂 right now its cookies n creme ice cream time at my place.

      • Posted by B on May 1, 2013 at 1:11 pm

        Egg, I can’t wait to see what you’re going to write about today- so much material! >BURP<

      • Ok, Egg, it’s 3:30 here now. Throw your ice cream and cookies in a blender, add rum or brandy and you’re good to go! Cheers!!
        Give me a yell when the chatter box stops yapping. For the love of Christmas, make her stop!
        Does the Dr sound a little bit like Daffy Duck or are my ears getting drunk?

  30. Posted by Lisa Woods on May 1, 2013 at 11:44 am

    This blog hands down the most entertaining, funny and fitting thing I’ve read!!!! Talent beyond

  31. Posted by Cody on May 1, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    Although I have laughed heartily at your prior blog posts (esp. the Barbizon line and ‘Stabby Einstein’ moniker, I find this post distasteful. Making fun of Nurmi due to his size and taking it and the drinking slams to this extreme is just mean….

  32. Jenny just can’t get over the fact that she got served by Demarte *giggle. That just don’t vibe very well in her mean girl click. Then on top of that Demarte has the good bangs without the bald spot. Jenny has to run Demarte in the ground today to save face. It’s the mean girl cheerleader mentality. Jenny just can’t help herself.

  33. Posted by KSA on May 1, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    I would pay you to narrate my life – It would be so much more interesting that way…..lol.

  34. Posted by B on May 1, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    I’m crying laughing! Thank you for bringing back Sweet Valley High, wow, awesome

  35. Did you see the butcher is using her RIGHT hand today while writing/drawing?
    Wow! I guess she really is a three holed wonder and ambidextrous too!!
    Hey, Wilnotshutup, we don’t give a rat’s ass about this guy and his creditionals. What is she planning on dating him or what? Go out for a drink and yap at him then. STHU, move on and sit down! grrrrr.
    Where’s that bartender?….

    • Her voice physically hurts my brain. My eyelids flutter and struggle to stay open, and every instinct tells me to tune out.

      • Posted by B on May 1, 2013 at 2:25 pm

        Willmot reaches a pitch where I can’t hear her but my dog starts barking

  36. Egg, refer to my post at 1:34, you’ll be Ok. 😉
    Hey, I say we saw the butcher’s frontal lobe open now in court and get the answer that Yappie is looking for. It will be a dark mass of evil poisonous shit, I guarantee. yuck!
    WE DON’T CARE! STOP WASTING TIME YOU USELESS FAT ASSED IDIOT!
    Where’s that knife anyway?

  37. Posted by Dlc_007 on May 1, 2013 at 3:45 pm

    WTF…Wilnut should change her name to May W. Approach.

    • Love it!!! Thank you! Wouldn’t you just like to kick her to the curb and run her over? I would.

      • Posted by Dlc_007 on May 1, 2013 at 5:56 pm

        Yes I would! And I’d like to kick Fat Boy in the ass just to see what kind of snacks fall.

  38. Posted by jenniferlyn on May 1, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    Oh PLEASE tell me this Dr is not going to screw this all up!

  39. Posted by jenniferlyn on May 1, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    I keep seeing images of Stabby and Harpy passing “juan is a doody head” notes back and forth at the defense table, is that my imagination?

  40. Posted by NancyB on May 1, 2013 at 4:34 pm

    Thank God for you and this hilarious blog!!!! It’s come to the point that it truly is my life line so that I don’t fry my brain!!! Love you! 🙂

  41. The murderer keeps turning around and looking at the audience. Where’s the cop to keep her on a leash and slap her to turn around forward? WTH?

    • Posted by jenniferlyn on May 1, 2013 at 5:54 pm

      Didn’t they mention the security measures taken w/Stabby on last night’s episode of “After Dark”? I swear, SOMEONE.mentioned that Stabby has to wear a “shock belt”, because when I heard that, I couldn’t HELP but pray she tries to run!! BZZZZZZZTTT

  42. So, is this gonna be an all nighter or what? :/

  43. Posted by Donna Beford on May 1, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    Love you Egg!!!!!! This trial makes me sick sick sick and your blog makes me happy happy happy happy ……You are a blessing xo

  44. Posted by jenniferlyn on May 1, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    I want to know how Stabby’s jail boo/ex-celly “Donovan” manages to get into the courtroom EVERY SINGLE DAY? Is it like when you’re in a play @ school as a kid, and they give everyone tickets for their relatives?

    • I suppose the butcher has her on her list along with Mommy and the twin, since it IS her ONLY friend. BITCH
      God, this Dr is a real trooper. Did you catch that he really DOES get paid. LIAR!

  45. As we sit here with our rear ends getting wider and flatter. cool….
    Juan is gonna have a fricking heart attack. Hang in there buddy.
    She won’t need a death verdict, she will die of natural causes before this case ends.
    As the bowl swirls……

  46. Posted by jenniferlyn on May 1, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    CRAP….must…stop…laughing…

  47. Is this how it’s gonna be tomorrow too? Will I ever get my garden planted this season or not?
    Sounds like Bloody Mary’s for breakfast…
    God, I hate those bitches. I want my life back!!
    Egg, go ahead and post a new link, then we’ll have something to read and laugh about.
    Where the hell did they go NOW?! END THIS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

  48. Posted by jenniferlyn on May 1, 2013 at 7:04 pm

    “I know you are, but what am I?”!!!!! Will it NEVER END…

  49. PUDDING, BITCH, HE SAID PUDDING!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!!!
    And what is the butcher hiding for? Look what you did to him!

    Welcome to the jenniferlyn and Carol blog……. 🙂 lolololol

  50. Posted by iluvobx on May 2, 2013 at 9:06 am

    I am surprised that Wurmi hasn’t tied Jenny to the chair yet. You know every time she jumps up, Wurmi mutters”BITCH, sit down and shut up” because now he has to get up and haul his butt up to the judge.

  51. Posted by shell on May 5, 2013 at 11:39 am

    I adore you, lol.

  52. Another brilliant piece of work, Egg…. And how fortunate you are, to have such wonderful “sources” , willing to tell all!!!!! I am awed …..

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