-Down to the Wire, Arizona
Reports are coming in that Heavy D Nurmi and Homecoming Queen contender Jenny are now frantically cramming for their super professional scuttlebuttsurrebuttal presentation tomorrow. As would be expected, the dynamic duo with the combined brainpower of a stoned houseplant procrastinated through the long weekend. Heavy D reportedly chugged 40’s of malt liquor everynight, and slept until noon everyday, hogsnoring comfy-cozy as he rode the waves of his giant waterbed. Afternoons were apparently spent at the local Putt-Putt mini golf course, where Nurmi the Large puffed on a reefer while wading through the fountain just past the tiny windmill to retrieve his ball. Evenings were allegedly spent in a drunken stupor. “I saw him stumbling $hitfaced outside the Wonderland Gentleman’s Club on Friday night,” says a source. “Seven bouncers had kicked him out for calling them midgets, but he kept slamming on the door asking for someone named Alyce. Something about Kool Aid packets. Then he pissed himself and walked away” revealed the source.
Meanwhile, petulant Mistress of Juvenilia Jenny had herself a homespa weekend, followed by a shopping spree for her and Stabby’s final performances in court. After an oatmeal-honey-yogurt facial recommended by TigerBeat magazine’s beauty editor, she hopped in her 1988 VW Cabriolet convertible and headed to the mall to stock up on costumes at Contempo Casuals. Upon returning home, she hopped into the tub for a long, relaxing soak with her favorite Sweet Valley High novel and a white wine spritzer. It wasn’t until Sunday evening that she even thought about the surrebuttal case she would have to present with Heavy D on Wednesday. By then, Nurmi was already three sheets to the wind at his place, blasting his favorite Kidd ‘n Play CD while toking from a mushroom shaped bong. Needless to say, Jenny’s call went unanswered.
Only this afternoon, after both awoke with a splitting headache, did they finally decide to connect for a cram session. But sources say it may be too little, too late. “When these two get together, they become an enormous, pot-scented cloud of idiocy. Neither of them can formulate a coherent sentence. It’s painful to watch,” says the source.
Will they make a pot of coffee and pull an all nighter? Will Nurmi stay awake for the presentation, or nod off since no raunchy sex talk is involved? Will Jenny’s costume choices be a hit?
Tune in tomorrow for all the answers…