Juan “The Prosecutor” Martinez ruled the Maricopa Courthouse Grill today. And it was good. The aroma of roasting demon goose wafted from the courthouse and soon encircled the whole globe like a cleansing incense. Juan may as well have been wearing a chef’s hat and apron that said “Kiss ‘The Prosecutor,'” because his squeeing groupies outside will go absolutely crazy after hearing his closing argument.
The master chef don’t need no stinkin’ recipe. He must have a photographic memory, because he stood spinning Jodi on the rotisserie for about seven hours without referring to a single note. And his closing was cohesive, passionate, and thorough. He shined the bright light of truth on Stabby Einstein’s mountain of lies, and connected every single dot flawlessly to expose her for the diabolical monster she is. And Stabby definitely no-likey hearing the truth about herself.
The succubus in human form doodled with a palpable rage at the defense table, seething in her own furious juices as Juan spelled out his case for premeditation. Her scribbling only grew more intense as he drove each point home, until finally she started smirking, shaking her head, giggling, and muttering to herself in the bubble of arrogance she likes to call victimhood. Like your typical battered woman.
Demons have no idea how to cry like real people. Under the mistaken impression that tears come from the nasal passages, Stabby rubbed her nose repeatedly in an attempt to turn on the waterworks, as Juan displayed graphic autopsy pictures of Travis. Epic fail. At least learn how to fake it right for our benefit, Rudolph. And we can see you playing peek-a-boo with every picture of your handiwork, so wipe the “duper’s delight” smirk off your face along with the fake tears, because you’re fooling nobody.
Homecoming Queen contender Jenny must have pulled an all nighter perfecting her super professional eyerolls and sneers in the mirror, because she looks beat. But not too beat to practice her classic headshot pose over at the defense table, with her chin resting gently on her curled fist. And NEVER too beat for a sidebar objection, even in the midst of closing arguments. After all, a teen modeling scout could be watching.
Classy Heavy D actually giggled when Juan mentioned Travis was naked when he was killed. So we can definitely expect him to get down and dirty tomorrow with his porn obsession when the defense presents their closing fairytale.
But for now… Enjoy the fire-licked rotisserie goose cooked to perfection by Mr. Martinez.