Hurricane Lindsay Hits Betty Ford Clinic
-Imaginary Lockdown Rehab, Imaginationtown
The spinning top that is Lindsay Lohan finally lost speed and toppled into the lobby of a rehab facility Friday. But not without high drama. Because nothing involving the ginger menace can ever be drama free, or even drama-lite. Since she thrives on a steady diet of meth laced with theatrics, and booze aged in tabloid lined oak barrels, she could never simply show up on time at the court approved clinic, check in, and shut up for three months. Even if it’s the facility her own delightfully comical hobbit attorney Mark Heller conned the state of California into allowing. Because the detox resort spa in the Hamptons has the audacity to prohibit smoking. And what kind of dictatorship rehab forbids an addict their precious smokes?
Upon hearing this offense to everything sacred, the boil on the butt of humanity risked an arrest warrant (yeah, right) and hopped on a plane for a cross-country trek to Morningside in Newport Beach, CA. The facility had not been approved by the courts during their nationwide quest for a lockdown rehab center for an addict of Lindsay’s caliber, but who the hell cares what they say? Were they in Mean Girls 10 years ago?! Methinks not. And the megastar needs cigarettes, especially for detox.
But the whirling dervish couldn’t even commit to that. Her chariot, fueled entirely by narcissistic delusion, pulled up to the clinic, sat idle for a few minutes in a cloud of crack smoke, then inexplicably returned to the airport. Somewehere in the middle of this trainwreck, hobbit attorney Heller eloquently told the media Typhoid Lindsay was “safely ensconced in the bosom of a California rehab center.” But in reality, the grifter was on the horn with her former lawyer Shawn Holley, begging her for another chance at being a deadbeat client. And despite the outstanding bill of $300K, Shawn said okey-dokey. Because of course she did. After all, this is the multi-talented elegant flower from Herbie Fully Loaded we’re talking about. She’s special.
So Holley worked her undeniable magic on the prosecutor’s office, and they shrugged and said, “What lockdown rehab? You must mean whatever Lindsay wants.” And soon enough Lindsay fired the hobbit lawyer, and hopped on ANOTHER plane to the Betty Ford Center. You know, the same place she stayed years ago, that gave her day passes to leave and get $hitfaced? Where she assaulted a nurse?
This sounds like a great idea.
Thank you California.