Local demon Jodi Arias called out sick to court today. Just one day after getting convicted of the brutal first degree murder of Travis Alexander, Stabby Einstein came down with a sudden case of the human sads, and threatened to end her own worthless life. On TV! She’s currently on suicide watch in the psych ward, inducing eyerolls among irritated doctors, and likely snickering about delaying the aggravation phase of the trial until next Wednesday.
So devastated was she by the verdict, she marched straight from the courthouse to a previously arranged, exclusive TV interview to sit on her pity-pot in front of some cameras and offend everyone for 45 minutes. With lipgloss! Because shame is for human sissies. In the interview, the demon blazed both its middle fingers at remorse, and let out a long stream of verbal diarrhea, blaming everyone and everything but itself for its current predicament. If only Juan, shady puppetmaster of the Arizona court system, had allowed fabricated evidence into trial, she wouldn’t have been found guilty. If only the jury had been influenced by her thoughtful “prayers”/ hexes on their behalf, she wouldn’t now be facing actual consequences. If only her victim’s family knew what a hypocrite he actually was, they might understand why she killed him. Basically, nothing is ever Stabby’s fault, and now she’s holding her breath until she turns blue, because she would rather die than spend her natural life behind bars. After all, “longevity runs in her family.” Don’t believe her? Just ask her father, who’s fighting lymphoma.
And speaking of Stabby’s elders, it turns out Nana Arias was just blowing smoke up everyone’s ass with that wheelchair. Nana’s still got plenty of pep in her step outside the presence of the jury. Apparently longevity AND class run in the family.
So everyone slowclap for Satan’s martyr in the custom-fit straitjacket. What a trooper. She was willing to spend five years behind bars, drain taxpayers of $2 million, and trash her victim, all for a crime she’s supposedly now willing to die for. Boo-frickin-hoo. Suck it, demon. And not in the way you normally like.