– Portal to the Future, Arizona
Homecoming Queen reject Jenny will withdraw from the case on the grounds that her new campaign for cheerleading squad co-captain is swallowing too much of her time. Juggling debate club AND pep rallies is too much to ask of any one stoner, so something’s gotta give. It may as well be her satanic mini-me sent from the bowels of hell to destroy humanity. Jenny’s got cheering to do.
Heavy D Nurmi will also drop out. Wednesday morning the judge will find a dirty IHOP placemat on her windshield reading “Yo, I quit this b*tch. Check ya later.” Reports will soon emerge that Nurmi has taken up residence in the cave of the local putt-putt golf course, blaring his favorite Bell Biv Devoe song, “Poison,” on a ghetto blaster 24/7.
Left without attorneys, Stabby Einstein will proudly represent herself through the penalty phase, and will continue to win hearts everywhere. Testifying as her own character witness, she will draw an inverted pentagram on the floor, light a black candle, and hold a thoughtful “prayer session” for misguided jurors. She will wrap it all up with a live performance of “O Holy Night,” reverting into her true demon form mid-song.
Shady puppetmaster Juan Martinez will use his thinkin’ parts and play Stabby’s post-verdict interview with Troy Hayden for the jury.
Jinkasaurus will start psychoanalyzing jurors based on the number of breaths they take per minute.
Nana Arias will be wheeled into the courtroom on a hospital gurney, complete with a walking I.V. programmed to beep incessantly whenever the death penalty is mentioned. The second the jury leaves the room, she’ll hop to the floor and sprint to the vending machine for soda and cookies. Because we all know longevity (and class) runs in the family.
Charming arsonist Donovan will have to find a new BFF to stir the cauldron with. She and Nancy Grace really seemed to hit it off in that phone interview. Everyone needs friends.
Stabby will refuse to look at her victim’s relatives as they address the court, and will argue she can’t bear to gaze upon anyone resembling “her abuser.” The very next day, she will hang her artwork (with price tags) on the courtroom walls, hoping to sell her portraits of Travis’ family members to any interested jurors.
Will they or won’t they give her the death penalty? Let’s “conversate.”