Gallery of Miracles, Arizona
If Mr. Martinez knows what’s good for him, he’ll take that silly death penalty off the table Monday. Because in addition to being a modern day Einstein, local demon Jodi Arias is also an artiste the likes of which this world has never seen. And how can Juan be so cruel as to deprive mankind of her brilliant creativity? As it turns out, she possesses a rare gift that allows her to trace other people’s artwork and color it in poorly. And Stabby loves sharing this talent bestowed upon her with us mere mortals. She even plans to display her wonderous works of copyright infringement for the jury during the mitigation phase of her trial on Monday. For free! And surely once the jurors lay their unworthy eyes upon her blessed collection of traced magazine ads, they will not only reverse their verdict, but will also beg for autographed originals. I smell an auction a-brewin’.
It is unknown if the art professors of the world-renowned Yreka public school system will grace the court by testifying to Stabby’s innate talent. We can only hope to be dazzled by details of Jodi’s first dabblings outside of the “linear curriculum” imposed upon lesser twelve year olds looking for mere elective credits. I for one demand to know which junior high art teacher first introduced her to tracing paper and Teen magazine advertisements. Because that patron of fine arts deserves a slow-clap for cultivating such raw, original talent. After all, they helped launch her successful career in dead-end waitressing jobs.
Sources tell Egg Tree News the “gallery owner” who likened her paintings to Monet and Van Gogh will be released from the insane asylum long enough to make a brief appearance to testify that young Rembrandt Arias also makes a mean blue waffle salad tossed inside of a top hat.
Spectators are also on the edge of their seats wondering if the demon’s “professional” photographs will be included in her display. Says one admirer, “I can’t wait to see her huge volume of fuzzy self-portraits up close. I love how she disregards trivial things like lighting and shutterspeed, but still manages to capture the essence of her inner demon in every picture.”
As jurors peruse the gallery, Homecoming Queen reject Jenny will serve complimentary pot brownies and cheese platters in an effort to launch her new side catering business, “And Munchies for All.” Heavy D Nurmi, in full maitre-de attire, will covertly place gift bags full of tootsie rolls and poprocks on each juror’s chair, along with a handwritten note reading, “Yo, the D.P. is for uglies who cant trace good. This bitch can trace Grace Kelly, man. GRACE KELLY.”
Stay tuned to EggTreeNews for developments in this breaking story.