It’s a hardknock life for a demon, especially when that a-hole prosecutor Juan Martinez is out to get you. Just ask local butcher Jodi Arias. Or rather, ask her filibustering heffalump of an attorney, Kirk Nurmi, since he’s the seasoned professional paid to bitch and moan on her behalf. Today the irritating oaf pitched his decahemptillionth mistrial motion, on the basis that Juan is a big meanie to all of Stabby’s witnesses. So mean, in fact, that they can’t call ANYONE to mitigate for fragile maiden Arias during the penalty phase of her trial. Local Garbage Pail Kid “Pothead Patty” Womack, a stoner friend from Jodi’s schoolgirl days in Yreka, was all set to cash in on her testiloony about how nice the demon seemed last they spoke 20 years ago…until Juan came along and deposed her last week. You may remember Pothead Patty from her many interviews with Nancy Grace, or her memorable court appearances where she flipped off Martinez on camera. Unbelievably, the rude prosecutor had the nerve to query the known addict about her many drug charges, and also about Jodi’s drug use. What kind of dictatorship do we live in, where an agent of the court can question a witness’ credibility so harshly? Understandably, Pothead Patty immediately plead the 5th, and refused to subject herself to anymore of Juan’s verbal and emotional abuse, leaving poor Stabby with NOBODY to convince the jury how awesome she is. Not even her own family members sitting in the courtroom.
Nurmi’s smooth magic failed to work on the judge, who promptly denied his mistrial motion. Without skipping a beat, he and Homecoming Queen reject Jenny immediately asked to be removed from the case, since Juan’s ceaseless bullying prevents them from conveying Stabby’s true value to the jury- nay, to society. A swing and a miss. Also denied. So then they stomped their feet, looked at each other akwardly, and announced they would not call any mitigating witnesses at all, and would take their ball and go home. So there.
Court is adjourned until tomorrow.
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