Local demon Jodi Arias hosted an ipicac-tastic storyhour this afternoon at the Maricopa County courthouse. As a precautionary measure, barf buckets were placed beneath every seat in the gallery. And they came in handy. After abandoning last week’s “Help me, hence ho, I wish to live no more” act that landed her in the psych ward, the modern day Einstein has pulled an abrupt 180, and is now listlessly pleading for her life. On camera!
Tumbleweeds blew through the courtroom as the solo witness to her own awesomeness approached the storytellin’ podium. Wearing her best “I’m sowwy” smirk, Stabby referred to Satan’s memo pad as she read off a litany of reasons she believes her pathetic life should be spared. And she could really do a lot of good things in prison. Especially with her hair. The hellspawn is willing to part with her immaculate tresses to provide wigs for cancer patients who long for the luscious locks of a murderer to grace their heads as they fight deadly diseases.
Stabby Einstein is also determined to help her fellow inmates learn to speak Spanish; a language she herself barely knows. And since only 90% of the Arizona prison population currently speaks fluent Spanish, they are obviously in dire need of her services.
Demons also believe in recycling! She is commited to instituting a program at the prison that will single handedly save the planet. She might want to start by reducing, reusing, or just plain eliminating those plastic water bottles that she carries around like accessories.
Satan’s martyr also plans to promote literacy, and contemporaneously stimulate higher learning by forming a book club wherein undereducated inmates can “conversate” like real academics. First masterpiece on the list: Professor Arias’ highly anticipated manifesto.
And of course she siezed the opportunity to give a riveting slideshow of her miraculously traced artwork! Was there ever any doubt the artiste would reveal her gallery of wonders as a mitigating factor?!
But Stabby clarified that her sudden wellspring of goodwill and philanthropy is not just motivated by her own desire to live; she simply doesn’t want her beloved family to see her put to death. You know, the same family she claims abused her, and offered her no support in life, and basically made her into the monster she is. The family that isn’t pleading for her life themselves. So she’s really just thinking of them in all this. Selfless, this one.
The jury is currently deliberating the demon’s sentence.