EggTreeNews Word of the Week:
BEFUDDLED- tr.v. be·fud·dled, be·fud·dling, be·fud·dles
1. To confuse; perplex.
Example: When 12 reasonable people agreed a soulless demon committed a brutal premeditated murder, but failed to agree on any punishment whatsoever, it left mankind BEFUDDLED.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is local succubus Jodi Arias has been tried and convicted of the horrific first degree murder of Travis Alexander. No matter what, she has been branded guilty as sin. So we’ve got that much goin’ for us. The confounding bad news is, the same jury that unanimously determined the blackhearted demon’s guilt also deadlocked on how best to punish her. Consequently, the judge declared a mistrial of the penalty phase, and a new group of young ruffians will be dragged into court in July to decide whether the monster lives or dies. Arizona taxpayers will likely riot over funding Stabby Einstein’s courtroom spotlight through the summer, and the Alexander family, already dragged through a labyrinth of unbearable grief, will have to climb another mountain of Jodi’s hellfire scented malarkey.
Homecoming Queen reject Jenny’s extracurricular drama class came in quite handy during her closing argument. Channeling her idol Molly Ringwald, she gently stroked her psycho My Twinn doll Jodi’s fragile head with enough pity to pull the heartstrings of at least one wayward juror as she cooed, “Can you kill her?” Her theater coach should give her a John Hughes Award for teen melodrama, because at least one misguided sap on the “death penalty qualified” jury couldn’t bear the thought of ridding humanity of a diabolical fleshbag with human parts who is capable of ALL the following:
29 stab wounds.
Gunshot to the face.
Throat slit from ear to ear.
5 years of lies upon lies upon lies to law enforcement.
At the eleventh hour, claimed the abuse excuse with zero evidence against the victim.
Casually threw in some unfounded pedophilia accusations about the victim, too, just for good measure.
Lied straight to the jury.
Drained Arizona taxpayers of $1.8 million (so far) to buff and polish her turdsicle of a case.
Has never shown a morsel of remorse, or just good old fashioned human shame.
But somehow, between Jenny’s acting lessons and Stabby’s heartfelt promises to grow her hair, read, and recycle in prison, they managed to make at least one soft juror go “Awwwww… 6 billion people on this planet isn’t nearly enough. We really need a demon in the mix. And I definitely can’t execute someone who can trace Dior ads. What the hell are we thinking?”