Archive for the ‘Egg Tree News Tips’ Category

Beauty Tips From the Egg Tree Salon and Spa

-Egg Tree Day Spa

Summer is but a few short days away, ladies. If you are squeamish about letting the glorious light of the sun shine upon you and all your beauty, take a trip to the Egg Treehouse Salon and Spa to be pampered. Our customized makeovers will leave you refreshed, rejuvenated, and most of all, beach ready. 

1. Let’s identify what scares us the most about bathing suit shopping. Is it your pasty, reflective skin that repels you from the bikini section of the department store? If you look like you have been moonbathing all winter long, or rolling in chalk like a dirty chinchilla, a good body scrub is in order. Slough off dead winter skin with a delicate mixture of ground walnuts, oats, honey, and sea salt, then moisturize with shea butter. Or just take a beltsander to your skin, and jump in a vat of Neosporin. It’s basically the same thing. 

2. Your dry winter hair deserves a deep conditioning treatment, followed by a fresh trim. Dunk your parched tresses in a basin of guacamole, mayo, and leftover bacon grease. Leave on for 30 minutes. Good luck rinsing out that mess. Lucky for you the “wet hair” look is all the rage this season. 

3. If you choose to sport open-toed shoes this summer, and your feet resemble weathered eagle tallons, for the love of all things sacred, do the world a favor and get a decent pedicure. Or at least dust the cobwebs off your nail clippers, and tackle those suckers yourself. Don’t be afraid to take some sandpaper to those calluses. And cover that fungus you’ve been cultivating with a more flattering shade of green polish. 

4. Because God is mean, he made the hot summer sun very dangerous for human skin. To reduce your risk of skin cancer, slather yourself in bronzer and stay in the basement until September. When you spot neighborhood children frolicking in the sprinklers during a heatwave, chuck water balloons filled with SPF 70 at them. They’ll thank you for it later. 

5. Enjoy having your face vaccumed by a screaming machine? Try a microdermabrasion facial! 

6. Lighter makeup colors are all the rage during the summer months. If yellows, oranges, and pinks do not flatter your skin tone, you should crawl in a hole and die. 

7. You don’t need expensive lip injections or plumping products to get the highly coveted Jolie effect. Just ask your BFF to punch you in the mouth a few times a week. A true friend’s work is never really done. If your BFF selfishly refuses to provide this service, take weekly trips to your local bee farm and kiss as many bees as possible. 

8. A day of sun, sand, saltwater, and booze is incredibly dehydrating to the skin, so when you have awoken from your drunken slumber, spit the sand out of your mouth, crawl your sunburned ass inside, and bathe in a tub full of aloe. If aloe is not available, wrap yourself in cold wet linens and crack open another cold one. It’s all gonna be alright. 

9. Thick, full eyelashes are very in at the moment. If you are an ugly subhuman unable to grow socially adequate lashes, and desire the additional effect of pigmented moley irises, try Latisse. If you would rather not compromise your vision, but still want to fulfill your lash destiny, keep it simple and use the falsies. Whatever the case, just know that society judges you based on your eyelashes. 

10. Avoid unhealthy habits that cause premature aging, such as smoking, drinking, and drugs. If you cannot kick these habits, grab time and gravity by the horns with the foolproof method of plastic surgery. An overstretched, immobile cat face will fool everyone. 

Travel and Vacation Tips

-Eggtown, USA

Summer is almost upon us, and as we know, ’tis the season for vacations and travelling aplenty. No matter where you’re going, or how you’re getting there, EggTreeNews has all the tips you’ll need for a stress-free journey to paradise. Happy trails!

1. Be sure to check the weather forecast for your destination before you begin packing. That way, you will be dressed appropriately for a week of sitting in front of the TV and emptying the minibar in your hotel room. There’s nothing worse than forgetting flipflops for runs to the ice machine. 

2. Listening to music is a great way to pass the hours on a long flight as you hurdle through multiple time zones at breakneck speeds.  To enhance the time-travelling experience for the person seated next to you, pull out your bright yellow cassette walkman from 1989, and sing along to the summerjam mixtape your BFF made for you back in the day. Everyone loves a Neneh Cherry, Jodi Watley, and PM Dawn mix. 

3. Reading is another good way to kill time on a jetplane.  Most airports have an extensive selection of magazines available for weary travelers. If you can find one that does not have a Kardashian anywhere on the cover, you have not only won the lottery, you have also found a seed of hope the apocalypse is not yet upon us. Treat yourself to a sandwich. 

4. If you are travelling by car on a family road trip with small children in the backseat, you should kill yourself. 

5. Always have your vehicle thoroughly examined by a quality mechanic before hitting the road. That way, you can sink the majority of your vacation money into pimping up the family rickshaw. Who needs food or shelter when you’re rolling four deep cross-country in a blinged out Kia Sorento?

6. Never pass up the opportunity to pull over and admire the beautiful wildlife and majestic landscapes of your country, while your kid throws up from carsickness in the woods off the road.  Cherish those moments. Just be sure everyone’s 
back in the car before you drive off again, or you’ll NEVER hear the end of it. 

7.  Like being trapped in a petridish of germs floating in the middle of a vast ocean? Try a cruise! 

8.  Trains are a fun, old-fashioned alternative to traveling by car or plane. To really complete the locomotive experience, dress your children as hobos and let them sleep on bales of hay in the freight car. Then use the money you’ve saved on their tickets to hit up the bar. Everyone deserves a little “me” time.  

9. If planes, trains, automobiles and cruises leave you nauseous with motion sickness, travelling via horseback is always an option. Just pretend you’re a pioneer exploring the paved freeways and fast food drive-thrus of the Wild West. If you are lucky enough to be riding a racehorse, challenge motorists to a dragrace along the interstate. Regardless of the outcome, place the crown you got from Burger King atop your horse’s head for the remainder of your journey. 

10. Don’t forget to report every second of your trip on social media sites. Your college roommate and former workbuddies you rarely speak to anymore are dying to see pictures of your hotel room in Cincinatti. They want to hear every detail about how you’re getting away from it all. 

Relaxation Tips for Judge Perry

-Orlando, FL

Let’s face it, people: Honorable Badass Belvin Perry looks about THISCLOSE to giving Ignorance Personified (who goes by the alias Jose Baez) an atomic wedgie in court. It’s obvious Judge Perry has his hands full, and his patience is running thin. And who can really blame him? He’s endured two agonizing years of Jose’s chronic idiocy regarding everything judicial, his bloated ego, his contemptuous smirk, and his overall irritating manner of expressing himself.

And that flip-chart and easel.

Insufferable.

But luckily, EggTreeNews is here to help Judge Perry relax and unwind. Come the inevitable next chapter of Jose’s lunacy, he’ll be calm, cool, and under control.

*Exercise is key to stress management. Invest in a quality punching bag, and get your knuckles bloody for 20 minutes every morning before court. When you get to work, stare at Jose while kissing said bloody knuckles.

*To round out the althletic experience, practice yoga. Whenever Jose tries to pull a fast one, just halt the proceedings, and do a series of sun salutations in the courtroom to find your spiritual center. Jeff Ashton (and just about everyone in the room, really) might join you. Go Yogi Perry!

*If anyone deserves to be king for a day after yet another week of circus foolery, it’s you. So treat yourself to a Spa Sunday. You would look ADORABLE in one of those fuzzywuzzy robes, with your feet wrapped in hot towels, while eating peeled grapes and drinking champagne. I’ll even send you a crown to wear, to complete the ensemble.

*Deep breaths, man. Deep breaths. Deeper than that. They’ll take you to your happy place.

*Light aromatherapy candles all over your bench. During the relentless, boring sidebars, sculpt some sweet figures out of the dripped wax. Make them about as relevant as whatever Jose is bitching about.

*Its important that you don’t let Jose’s insanity penetrate your brain via the soundwaves created by his voice. So the second he opens his mouth to belch out his next argument, tune him out by blasting the Looney Tunes theme music in your head. Editor’s note: the voice of Charlie Brown’s teacher can be substituted if preferred.

*Purchase a diary with a good lock, and spill your guts about Baez The Unbelievable. Create an elaborate hiding place for it, and boobytrap the hell out of it. Then buy a decoy diary, in which you pay tribute to “Juannie Cochrane’s” MAD litigating skills. Hide it in a place the defense P.I. will surely find it when he comes a-snoopin’. Cuz you know he’s gonna.

*When all else fails, pop an Ativan. Make it two. Hell, just crush up a handful of ’em and snort a few lines before court.

Gardening Tips

Spring has officially sprung, and its time to hit the garden for some quality time with the Earth! Let Egg Tree News guide you through the gardening experience with the following helpful tips:

1. First things first: you MUST conquer the jungle of weeds in your backyard before preparing the land for planting. To accomplish this, you will need a couple grenades, and a Rambo costume. Stretch thoroughly to prevent injury, then sweat something fierce as you take a machete and shovel to anything the grenades didn’t wipe out.

2. Proper soil is essential for happy plants, so invest in a quality, nutrient rich mix. Before adding the mix, prepare the ground by spraying it with a hose and breaking up tough soil with a shovel. And just for $hits and giggles, blast the hose in your spouse’s face.

3. Some horticulture guy said once that the Earth laughs with flowers. So if you enjoy being the object of ridicule, plant flowers all around your home. Whenever they bloom, you’ll know that the Earth finds your life hysterical.

4. Snails are bastards of the worst variety. Rather than let them feast on your plants without compensation for your services, lure those ravenous slugs to their deaths with a cunning pie tin of beer. Then polish off the rest of that 12-pack while watching the neighborhood squirrels get drunk off your snail beer.

5. Try your hand at growing roses. They’re gorgeous beasts that smell intoxicating. They also enjoy stabbing you!

6. Wanna feel like a drug dealer, but don’t wanna deal with “the heat?” Plant a catnip bush, and watch in delight as all the neighborhood cats flock to get geeked off your stuff.

7. Place a small gnome statue in your yard to watch over your garden and take care of business. To keep him incognito, paint him in camouflage and give him sunglasses.

8. It is a well known fact that hummingbirds and butterflies have a sweet tooth. So if you wish to attract these dazzling creatures to your garden, be sure to plant flowers rich in candy.

9. Water gardens are a fun and rewarding new way to breed mosquitos!

10. Tend to your gardens at least once a week. If this is not possible, hire a gardener, and watch them do it as you sunbathe after a long week.

Spring Cleaning Tips

Spring has arrived, and its time to clean that petri dish of germs you call a house! If you’re overwhelmed by the giant dustball tumbling through your kitchen, or the accidental science experiment growing in your bathroom, you’ve come to the right place. Egg Tree News will help you tackle those tough cleaning problems, to get your place sparkling clean in no time!

1. Set aside a block of time to get all your cleaning done. If there are visible waves of funk humming off your house, you’ll probably need to devote an entire week of your life to vanquishing them. Better call out sick from work. To really get into battle mode, invest in a hazmat suit. (Editor’s note: a Darth Vader or Storm Trooper costume can be substituted if a hazmat suit is not available).

2. Snow White had the right idea: whistle while you work. If you do not feel like working, but still long to whistle, hire seven kindhearted midgets to pick up your $hit as you whistle on the couch while watching Extreme Home Makeover.

3. It is common knowledge that your kitchen sink is filthier than your toilet bowl. So until you have thoroughly scrubbed the sink clean, wash all dishes in the toilet.

4. If your dog has carelessly strewn his mangy winter coat all over your carpet, and topped it off with a sprinkling of dandruff, then its time to bust out the vaccum from the Tomb of Unknown Cleaning Supplies. Dust the cobwebs off the old Hoover, familiarize yourself with the various settings and attachments, and watch in amazement as the fur maintains a death grip on your rug. Then just throw out the rug, and shave your dog.

5. Make sure to pull out all furniture, and thoroughly sweep dirt into an enormous ball in the middle of the room, making one giant dust bunny. To make cleaning time fun, let the kids name it before dumping it in the trash. (Editor’s note: avoid turning on overhead fans until you have properly disposed of the beloved pet dust bunny).

6. Thoroughly dust all surfaces, and all knicknacks atop said surfaces. Except your spouse’s nightstand. Instead, scrawl “Clean Up Your $hit” in the dust, and go buy yourself somethin pretty.

7. If cleanliness is next to Godliness, your bathroom is offensive to all things sacred. Do a controlled burn of that room, and start over from scratch.

8. Powerwash the exterior of your house to remove dirt, grime, and debris that has collected over the winter months. If you do not have a powerwasher, use your kids’ Super Soaker. If a Super Soaker is not available, a water pistol can be substituted (provided time is not a factor for you).

9. It is abnormal for your refrigerator to reek of dirty feet, or to shake and rattle on its own. If an angry monster screams “Zool” when you open the door, then you should call Ghostbusters. I cannot help you with that.

10. Still ready to faint at the thought of cleaning your house? Don’t stress out. Call a maid service, and meditate as they vaccum and dust around you.

Egg Tree News Pet Advice

We at Egg Tree News are animal lovers, and want to see our furry companions live long and prosper. All pets have different needs, and sometimes owners don’t anticipate the special care required for their new family member. After some extensive research, we narrowed down the absolute best information and advice to help you decide what animal is right for you and your family.

1. Dogs have long been considered man’s best friend, and need to feel like they’re part of the pack at all times. So if you HAVE to leave your dog alone in a dark, empty apartment for a night of barhopping, pour a shot of whiskey down his throat to make him feel like one of the gang. This will also keep him from barking all night long and giving your neighbors reason to wish you dead. And besides, when you both wake up at 6a.m. on the bathroom floor, covered in vomit, your bond as Best Buds will be cemented forever.

2. Want your furniture shredded to confetti by a mutated lion-midget with a bad attitude, who $hits in a box in the corner and roars pathetically at you? Get a cat!!

3. Ferrets are bright, inquisitive little rascals who are always up for adventure. As fearless (and arguably suicidally inclined)explorers, some of their favorite xxx-treme expeditions include the laundry machine, the refrigerator, the freezer, and your pipes. They also enjoy $hitting in your shoes.

4. Parrots are gorgeous, loving birds capable of forming intense emotional bonds with their owners. Then they move into sinister Phase 2 of their plan, and drive everyone away with their incessant ear-piercing shrieks until its just the two of you. So if you’re antisocial and don’t care for sleep, this is the pet for you.

5. Iguanas are beautiful, 6ft emerald-green lizards who do not appreciate being handled or looked at. Males have more testosterone per bodyweight than any other species on Earth. Their teeth can cut human bone, and their long tails leave welts all over your skin when they whip you in a rage. They are highly recommended for a$$holes.

6. Hamsters are smart, energetic, and always up for a good time. And they have cool toys and kicka$$ obstacle courses that make most kids jealous; Nickelodeon’s “Double Dare” has NUTHIN over a hamster habitrail. They also look awesome behind the wheel of remote control cars, trains, and planes. Especially with night-vision goggles on.

7. Pet turtles are fascinating creatures; they have evolved very little over the eons they’ve been on Earth, so its almost like watching a prehistoric being in action. They also make your entire house smell like a sewer!

8. Wanna die? Fold a 10ft Burmese Python into a flimsy tank in your living room!

9. Goldfish are a mellow, low-maintenance pet for people on the go. They are also easily forgotten, and likely to die before you remember to feed them or clean their bowl for the first time.

10. When all else fails, invest in a Chia Pet. Name it, pet it, love it. If it dies, then there’s clearly something wrong with you.

Least Popular Valentine’s Day Gifts

After an exhaustive amount of research, Egg Tree News has managed to uncover the LEAST popular Valentine’s gifts on the market this year:

1. A fuzzy wuzzy puppy from Michael Vick’s “Cuddle Farm.”

2. Paris Hilton’s “10 Things I Love to Screw About You.”

3. Pebble-flavored Sweetheart Candies engraved with, “Can I borrow $50?”

4. Coupon for a free bucket of sugar with a Denny’s entree of your choice.

5. A singing telegram from “reality star”/ tonedeaf blowupdoll Heidi Montag.

6. Proactiv Acne Solution Kit

7. Tiger Woods’ “Valentine’s Day Variety Hour Special” on DVD.

8. Amy Winehouse’s heart-shaped gift bags of crackpipes and syringes.

9. “Bakers Gone Wild: Valentine’s Edition” on DVD.

10. Deodorant.