Archive for the ‘Travis Alexander Case’ Category

In the Meantime…

The last thread was loading very slowly, so here’s a new one. Chat away…

What’s a Demon Gotta Do to be Executed These Days

-Disgustipated, Arizona

EggTreeNews Word of the Week: 
BEFUDDLED- tr.v. be·fud·dled, be·fud·dling, be·fud·dles
1. To confuse; perplex. 
Example: When 12 reasonable people agreed a soulless demon committed a brutal premeditated murder, but failed to agree on any punishment whatsoever, it left mankind BEFUDDLED. 

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is local succubus Jodi Arias has been tried and convicted of the horrific first degree murder of Travis Alexander. No matter what, she has been branded guilty as sin.  So we’ve got that much goin’ for us. The confounding bad news is, the same jury that unanimously determined the blackhearted demon’s guilt also deadlocked on how best to punish her. Consequently, the judge declared a mistrial of the penalty phase, and a new group of young ruffians will be dragged into court in July to decide whether the monster lives or dies. Arizona taxpayers will likely riot over funding Stabby Einstein’s courtroom spotlight through the summer, and the Alexander family, already dragged through a labyrinth of unbearable grief, will have to climb another mountain of Jodi’s hellfire scented malarkey. 

Homecoming Queen reject Jenny’s extracurricular drama class came in quite handy during her closing argument. Channeling her idol Molly Ringwald, she gently stroked her psycho My Twinn doll Jodi’s fragile head with enough pity to pull the heartstrings of at least one wayward juror as she cooed, “Can you kill her?” Her theater coach should give her a John Hughes Award for teen melodrama, because at least one misguided sap on the “death penalty qualified” jury couldn’t bear the thought of ridding humanity of a diabolical fleshbag with human parts who is capable of ALL the following:

29 stab wounds. 
Gunshot to the face. 
Throat slit from ear to ear. 
5 years of lies upon lies upon lies to law enforcement. 
At the eleventh hour, claimed the abuse excuse with zero evidence against the victim. 
Casually threw in some unfounded pedophilia accusations about the victim, too, just for good measure. 
Lied straight to the jury. 
Drained Arizona taxpayers of $1.8 million (so far) to buff and polish her turdsicle of a case. 
Has never shown a morsel of remorse, or just good old fashioned human shame. 

But somehow, between Jenny’s acting lessons and Stabby’s heartfelt promises to grow her hair, read, and recycle in prison, they managed to make at least one soft juror go “Awwwww… 6 billion people on this planet isn’t nearly enough. We really need a demon in the mix. And I definitely can’t execute someone who can trace Dior ads. What the hell are we thinking?”

 

Cake or Death

-HowMuchLonger, Arizona

Here’s a new thread since the last one is taking forever to load. Cease the day by conversating contemporaneously to waiting for the official verdict in the penalty phase of the Arias trial.

Storytime With the Demon

-ForTotallySeriously, Arizona

Local demon Jodi Arias hosted an ipicac-tastic storyhour this afternoon at the Maricopa County courthouse. As a precautionary measure, barf buckets were placed beneath every seat in the gallery. And they came in handy. After abandoning last week’s “Help me, hence ho, I wish to live no more” act that landed her in the psych ward, the modern day Einstein has pulled an abrupt 180, and is now listlessly pleading for her life. On camera! 

Tumbleweeds blew through the courtroom as the solo witness to her own awesomeness approached the storytellin’ podium. Wearing her best “I’m sowwy” smirk, Stabby referred to Satan’s memo pad as she read off a litany of reasons she believes her pathetic life should be spared. And she could really do a lot of good things in prison. Especially with her hair. The hellspawn is willing to part with her immaculate tresses to provide wigs for cancer patients who long for the luscious locks of a murderer to grace their heads as they fight deadly diseases. 

Stabby Einstein is also determined to help her fellow inmates learn to speak Spanish; a language she herself barely knows. And since only 90% of the Arizona prison population currently speaks fluent Spanish, they are obviously in dire need of her services. 

Demons also believe in recycling! She is commited to instituting a program at the prison that will single handedly save the planet. She might want to start by reducing, reusing, or just plain eliminating those plastic water bottles that she carries around like accessories. 

Satan’s martyr also plans to promote literacy, and contemporaneously stimulate higher learning by forming a book club wherein undereducated inmates can “conversate” like real academics. First masterpiece on the list: Professor Arias’ highly anticipated manifesto. 

And of course she siezed the opportunity to give a riveting slideshow of her miraculously traced artwork! Was there ever any doubt the artiste would reveal her gallery of wonders as a mitigating factor?! 

But Stabby clarified that her sudden wellspring of goodwill and philanthropy is not just motivated by her own desire to live; she simply doesn’t want her beloved family to see her put to death. You know, the same family she claims abused her, and offered her no support in life, and basically made her into the monster she is. The family that isn’t pleading for her life themselves. So she’s really just thinking of them in all this.  Selfless, this one. 

The jury is currently deliberating the demon’s sentence. 

Bring Your Own Barf Bucket

-DryHeaveFalls, Arizona

The last thread was loading really slow, so here’s a new one. I’ll write a new post as soon as I stop gagging from Stabby’s speech.

Nobody Loves Stabby Because Juan is a D*ck

-CryMeARiver, Arizona

It’s a hardknock life for a demon, especially when that a-hole prosecutor Juan Martinez is out to get you.  Just ask local butcher Jodi Arias. Or rather, ask her filibustering heffalump of an attorney, Kirk Nurmi, since he’s the seasoned professional paid to bitch and moan on her behalf. Today the irritating oaf pitched his decahemptillionth mistrial motion, on the basis that Juan is a big meanie to all of Stabby’s witnesses. So mean, in fact, that they can’t call ANYONE to mitigate for fragile maiden Arias during the penalty phase of her trial. Local Garbage Pail Kid “Pothead Patty” Womack, a stoner friend from Jodi’s schoolgirl days in Yreka, was all set to cash in on her testiloony about how nice the demon seemed last they spoke 20 years ago…until Juan came along and deposed her last week. You may remember Pothead Patty from her many interviews with Nancy Grace, or her memorable court appearances where she flipped off Martinez on camera. Unbelievably, the rude prosecutor had the nerve to query the known addict about her many drug charges, and also about Jodi’s drug use. What kind of dictatorship do we live in, where an agent of the court can question a witness’ credibility so harshly? Understandably, Pothead Patty immediately  plead the 5th, and refused to subject herself to anymore of Juan’s verbal and emotional abuse, leaving poor Stabby with NOBODY to convince the jury how awesome she is. Not even her own family members sitting in the courtroom. 

Nurmi’s smooth magic failed to work on the judge, who promptly denied his mistrial motion. Without skipping a beat, he and Homecoming Queen reject Jenny immediately asked to be removed from the case, since Juan’s ceaseless bullying prevents them from conveying Stabby’s true value to the jury- nay, to society. A swing and a miss. Also denied. So then they stomped their feet, looked at each other akwardly, and announced they would not call any mitigating witnesses at all, and would take their ball and go home. So there. 

Court is adjourned until tomorrow. 

Stay tuned to EggTreeNews for breaking developments in this story. 

Call Off That Execution. Stabby Can Paint by Numbers

Gallery of Miracles, Arizona

If Mr. Martinez knows what’s good for him, he’ll take that silly death penalty off the table Monday. Because in addition to being a modern day Einstein, local demon Jodi Arias is also an artiste the likes of which this world has never seen. And how can Juan be so cruel as to deprive mankind of her brilliant creativity? As it turns out, she possesses a rare gift that allows her to trace other people’s artwork and color it in poorly.  And Stabby loves sharing this talent bestowed upon her with us mere mortals. She even plans to display her wonderous works of copyright infringement for the jury during the mitigation phase of her trial on Monday. For free! And surely once the jurors lay their unworthy eyes upon her blessed collection of traced magazine ads, they will not only reverse their verdict, but will also beg for autographed originals. I smell an auction a-brewin’. 

It is unknown if the art professors of the world-renowned Yreka public school system will grace the court by testifying to Stabby’s innate talent. We can only hope to be dazzled by details of Jodi’s first dabblings outside of the “linear curriculum” imposed upon lesser twelve year olds looking for mere elective credits. I for one demand to know which junior high art teacher first introduced her to tracing paper and Teen magazine advertisements. Because that patron of fine arts deserves a slow-clap for cultivating such raw, original talent. After all, they helped launch her successful career in dead-end waitressing jobs. 

Sources tell Egg Tree News the “gallery owner” who likened her paintings to Monet and Van Gogh will be released from the insane asylum long enough to make a brief appearance to testify that young Rembrandt Arias also makes a mean blue waffle salad tossed inside of a top hat.   

Spectators are also on the edge of their seats wondering if the demon’s “professional” photographs will be included in her display. Says one admirer, “I can’t wait to see her huge volume of fuzzy self-portraits up close. I love how she disregards trivial things like lighting and shutterspeed, but still manages to capture the essence of her inner demon in every picture.”

As jurors peruse the gallery, Homecoming Queen reject Jenny will serve complimentary pot brownies and cheese platters in an effort to launch her new side catering business, “And Munchies for All.” Heavy D Nurmi, in full maitre-de attire, will covertly place gift bags full of tootsie rolls and poprocks on each juror’s chair, along with a handwritten note reading, “Yo, the D.P. is for uglies who cant trace good. This bitch can trace Grace Kelly, man. GRACE KELLY.”

Stay tuned to EggTreeNews for developments in this breaking story.