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The Game of Thrones Binge Watch Begins! Season 1 Recap, Part 1

-ItsOnLikeDonkeyKong, King’s Landing

First and foremost, I’m truly ashamed it’s taken me this long to start watching this show. Everyone has nagged me to watch it over the years, predicting an undying obsession with a fantasy world that’s one part stuffy Camelot mixed with two parts gory ancient Rome, blended with a dash of Princess Bride, garnished with witchcraft, and served on the wings of magical dragons. And they were correct. I have officially found a new addiction. 

At the beginning of the series, we learn that The Realm, which is comprised of seven kingdoms, is ruled by a pot-bellied slob of a king named Robert Baratheon. The icy northernmost wall of The Realm is guarded by an order called the Night Watchmen, who have sworn to protect the kingdom from white walkers, wildlings, and other ghouls that go bump in the night in the frozen tundra beyond the border.  And winter is coming. Winter within The Realm can last decades, and with the icy chill of death also comes a wave of terrifying beasts from over the wall. Godspeed, Night Watchmen. Put down that sandwich and keep your eyes peeled. 

Just south of the wall lay Winterfell, a keep presided over by Lord Eddard Stark, a leathery, weathered warrior with a heart of golden warmfuzzies. Which tells me he won’t last long. He’s married to Catelyn, whose resemblance to actress Katy Sagal leaves me giggling with visions of Peggy Bundy playing Lady Stark. Leopard print robes and bonbons galore!!! Anyway, they share five children together: eldest son Robb, selfish teenage daughter Sansa, feisty tomboyish tweener Arya, unfortunate castle wall climber Bran, and youngest son Rickon, who isn’t much of a presence in Season 1, so don’t burden yourself remembering him. Lord Stark also has a broody bastard son named Jon Snow, who lives with the noble family in Winterfell, much to Catelyn’s chagrin. Each child (even the bastard!) is guarded by a fearless direwolf, which is the symbol of House Stark. 

Eddard soon learns that his old war buddy King Robert, along with the snooty royal court, have travelled to Winterfell in a mighty procession of chariots carried by their own arrogance. They intend to offer Lord Stark the job of Hand of the King, which is comparable to our earthly notion of Vice President. The former Hand, an unlucky bloke named Jon Arryn, who also happens to be Catelyn’s brother-in-law, was murdered recently under very mysterious circumstances, leaving a primo job opening in the kingdom. Around this time, Catelyn receives a letter from her loopy sister via a raven, who apparently moonlights as a mail carrier for the kingdom, warning the Starks that she suspects Queen Cersei of murdering her husband. After much beard stroking, Edd realizes the job provides an excellent opportunity to keep a watchful eye on the sneaky Cersei. So he accepts the position, and House Stark holds a bountiful feast in celebration. During the banquet, Cersei, a descendant of the filthyrich Lannister family, targets Sansa as a suitable bride for her sniveling nitwit son, Prince Joffrey. Blinded by her dreams of being the Prettiest Princess, Sansa becomes a neurotic fangirl to the prince, anxiously awaiting her family’s relocation to King’s Landing. Queen Cersei’s brothers-  prettyboy Jaime, and snarky dwarf Tyrion- arrive late to the feast after visiting a local brothel, because priorities. 

Outside the banquet, poor ostracized bastard Jon Snow informs his Uncle Benjen, a Night Watchmen, that he will not accompany his family to King’s Landing. Instead, he will join Benjen protecting The Realm from horrific monsters at the edge of the known world.  Better bring some coffee. 

To the far east of the kingdom, across the narrow sea, the exiled survivors of House Targaryen plot their strategy to invade the kingdom and reclaim the throne. Having reigned The Realm for years, House Targaryen came crashing down after they killed Lyanna Stark, sister to Eddard and the one true love of Robert Baratheon.  General war ensued.  After most of the Targaryen family was slaughtered by prettboy Jaime Lannister and his ilk, ashen skeletor impersonator Viserys and his quietly terrified sister Daenerys escaped eastward with their platinum silver hair intact, and their trusted adviser Jorah, and eventually found sanctuary in the violent land of the Dothraki peoples. And stringy haired Viserys has now traded his younger sister to a grunting savage warlord named Kahl Drogo, in exchange for an army.  

At the auspiciously blood soaked wedding reception, Daenerys is presented with a magical box containing three petrified dragon eggs. House Targaryen had commanded dragons for centuries, and had used them to help rule the seven kingdoms until their alleged extinction. Now as reigning Kahleesi of the Dothraki tribe, Daenerys, Kahl Drogo, and her insufferable platinum pimpbrother Viserys lead the army- and the dragon eggs- through the vast continent to reclaim their throne from King Robert Baratheon and the Lannisters. 

Meanwhile, back at Winterfell, adventurous young Bran Stark scurries up the castle wall like a nimble, cocaine fueled spider. Upon reaching the top story, he hears the unmistakeable sounds of lovemaking coming from inside the castle.  The curious lad pops his head in the window, and spies Queen Cersei fornicating with her own prettyboy brother Jaime. 

!!!Commence pearl clutching!!!

Desperate to protect the sterling reputation of the royal family, Jaime pushes Bran out the window to fall to his death. 

Only he doesn’t die. Comatose, yes. But not dead. 

Side eye at Queen Cersei wringing her hands and announcing the royal family’s early departure from Winterfell with the new Hand. 

Later, while parked at her ailing son’s bedside, Lady Stark intercepts a knife wielding assassin hellbent on ending Bran’s life. But it’s an epic fail, because Bran’s pet direwolf launches right to the guy’s jugular and eliminates the threat. Firmly convinced the Lannisters are behind both attempts on Bran’s life, Lady Stark keeps the blade for strategic supersleuth investigating purposes. She decides to travel south towards King’s Landing, to warn Eddard and their other children about the shady Lannister family. Just like Peg Bundy would do!

Her son Bran is still in that coma, in case you were wondering. 

En route to King’s Landing, human anal blister Prince Joffrey, who may as well be Justin Beiber in Camelot garb, tries flexing his royal muscle to impress Sansa, when he commands Arya’s friend the lowly butcher’s son to battle him in a deadly duel. Yet another epic fail, because feisty Arya’s direwolf attacks the pompous blowhard, and Arya throws Joffrey’s sword into the river. The direwolf escapes into the woods, but Arya is soon dragged before King Robert to answer to Joffrey’s bullshit claim of unprovoked assault. When all is said and done, Queen Cersei puts a bandaid on Joffrey’s vajayjay, and has the butcher’s boy killed. Then she orders Eddard to kill the remaining direwolf. And Arya’s hatred for His Twerpness seethes with a fiery passion. 

Back at Winterfell, Bran finally rouses from his coma and enters a living nightmare where his legs are paralyzed, and his mother has abandoned him. He has no memory of what happened on the castle wall. 

Lonely bastard Jon Snow finally reaches the north wall, and is quite disheartened to learn the Order of Night Watchmen mainly consists of hardened criminals and other lowlife rejects sentenced to life threatening gruntwork. However, he is pronounced the least useless of the bunch, so he’s got that much going for him.  

When Lord Stark and the royal family arrive at King’s Landing, Eddard is greeted by the council, which includes slithery Lord Varys, the head of the kingdom’s intelligence network.  Also on the council is Pytre Baelish, who serves as the king’s Master of Coin (and owns of a local brothel), and also happens to be a childhood friend of Catelyn’s. In fact, Catelyn is hiding safely in his pleasure house, awaiting a covert meeting with Eddard in which she updates him on her increasing suspicions regarding the Lannisters. She presents the blade, and Baelish immediately identifies it as one he lost in a bet to smart aleck dwarf Tyrien Lannister.  Eddard vows to uncover the truth about House Lannister, and report it back to King Robert, which should work out just dandy for everyone involved. 

Across the Narrow Sea, The Kahleesi discovers she’s pregnant with Kahl Drogo’s heir. She is convinced she will bear a son who will one day sit on the iron throne of her ancestors. In the meantime, woe is Viserys, for he has grown envious of his sister’s newfound power as Kahleesi. And the nerve of her tribesmen, refusing to obey HIM as their rightful king! In a fitful tantrum of stringy silver hair, the ashen pimp attacks Daenerys, leaving her bloodied and bruised. But The Kahleesi pulls rank and fights back, warning him that the next time he hits her will be the last time he has hands. Daenerys then realizes her brother will never gain the support of the tribe, and could never successfully command the Dothraki army in war. 

On his way back south after leaving the great wall, snarky dwarf Tyrien Lannister stops in at Winterfell  to deliver sketches of a Bran-friendly horsey saddle. So moved was he by news of the boy’s crushed legs, that he took pen to paper and designed a handicapable saddle, so the boy can enjoy daily rides and still practice archery. All of this out of nothing more than sheer kindness.  That oughta throw everybody off the murder trail.

A pudgy new recruit named Samwell has joined the Night Watch to help protect the wall. What he lacks in physical prowess, streetsmarts, and hygeine, he more than makes up for in self deprecating kindness.  Lonely bastard Jon Snow befriends Samwell, and defends him from the bullies of the Order. 

In King’s Landing, Eddard continues his not so discreet inquiry into Jon Arryn’s death. He learns that the former Hand’s illness manifested fast, and progressed rapidly. Just prior to his demise, he had studied a voluminous account of the bloodlines of the seven kingdoms, and his dying words were, “The seed is strong.” Baelish then informs Eddard that Arryn’s former squire was recently knighted, and will fight in the upcoming tournament celebrating Lord Stark’s appointment as Hand. His broad daylight investigation then takes him to the local armory, where he discovers Jon Arryn took a keen interest in the smith’s apprentice, Gendry, who is one of King Robert’s numerous bastard children. 

Later on at the tournament, the recently knighted squire with the fetching title Ser Hugh of the Vale, is accidentally stabbed in the neck by King Robert’s bear of a knight, Ser Gregor. Or as he is also known, “Mountain That Rides.” Oopsydaisy! 

Resuming his journey south toward King’s Landing, Tyrien crosses paths with Catelyn Stark at a local tavern, where she boldly charges him with the attempted murder of her son, and orders her guards to take him prisoner. 

To Be Continued….

 

Till Deathstar Do We Part

Real Life, Eggtown USA

Dearly beloved Eggtown residents,

I will sadly have to step out for awhile to deal with some heavy personal issues. Fear not, however, I will be back. In my absence, Carol will be playing moderator, so listen to the babysitter. What she says goes. Remember to feed the cat. No wild parties. Keep the treehouse clean. I might be able to drop in and “conversate,” but probably will not be writing any new posts for a bit. But like I said, I will definitely return. Use this thread to discuss any new developments that…develop…

Until later,
Eggy-O

Mr. Martinez Cooks a Hell of a Goose

-W.O.W., Arizona

Juan “The Prosecutor” Martinez ruled the Maricopa Courthouse Grill today. And it was good. The aroma of roasting demon goose wafted from the courthouse and soon encircled the whole globe like a cleansing incense. Juan may as well have been wearing a chef’s hat and apron that said “Kiss ‘The Prosecutor,'” because his squeeing groupies outside will go absolutely crazy after hearing his closing argument. 

The master chef don’t need no stinkin’ recipe. He must have a photographic memory, because he stood spinning Jodi on the rotisserie for about seven hours without referring to a single note. And his closing was cohesive, passionate, and thorough. He shined the bright light of truth on Stabby Einstein’s mountain of lies, and connected every single dot flawlessly to expose her for the diabolical monster she is. And Stabby definitely no-likey hearing the truth about herself. 

The succubus in human form doodled with a palpable rage at the defense table, seething in her own furious juices as Juan spelled out his case for premeditation. Her scribbling only grew more intense as he drove each point home, until finally she started smirking, shaking her head, giggling, and muttering to herself in the bubble of arrogance she likes to call victimhood. Like your typical battered woman.  

Demons have no idea how to cry like real people. Under the mistaken impression that tears come from the nasal passages, Stabby rubbed her nose repeatedly in an attempt to turn on the waterworks, as Juan displayed graphic autopsy pictures of Travis. Epic fail. At least learn how to fake it right for our benefit, Rudolph. And we can see you playing peek-a-boo with every picture of your handiwork, so wipe the “duper’s delight” smirk off your face along with the fake tears, because you’re fooling nobody. 

Homecoming Queen contender Jenny must have pulled an all nighter perfecting her super professional eyerolls and sneers in the mirror, because she looks beat. But not too beat to practice her classic headshot pose over at the defense table, with her chin resting gently on her curled fist. And NEVER too beat for a sidebar objection, even in the midst of closing arguments. After all, a teen modeling scout could be watching. 

Classy Heavy D actually giggled when Juan mentioned Travis was naked when he was killed. So we can definitely expect him to get down and dirty tomorrow with his porn obsession when the defense presents their closing fairytale. 

But for now… Enjoy the fire-licked rotisserie goose cooked to perfection by Mr. Martinez. 

Wash, Rinse, Repeat: Typhoid Lindsay Gets Another Deal

-Ridongculousville, CA

Looking like a haggard ghost on her way to haunt a disco, elegant flower Lindsay Lohan rolled into a California courtroom this morning for another episode of her never ending legal drama. Among the cracked out highlights:

1. Late Sunday night, the paranoid cokehead ditched her commercial flight from New York to L.A., screeching about an alleged gas leak and/or gremlin on the airplane. Rather than just book another flight with the poors to make it to her own trial on time, she spent the next few hours begging all of her rich johns to fetch her a private jet. Because its much easier to do drugs when you have some privacy. A few sloppy handjobs later, the owner of Mr. Pink Energy Drink & Escort Services shelled out $50,000 for her cross country caper. 

2. Leaving herself a whopping 20 minutes to get from the airport to the courthouse during rush hour traffic, she rolled in almost an hour late. But she needed that time to get primped for her only red carpet appearance in years.  She hastily threw on her wrinkled white virgin costume and diamond rosary- both of which will probably be reported stolen tomorrow from a Studio 54 museum- and emerged from her chariot in a cloud of meth smoke and gold glitter to greet her adoring public. 

3. Once inside the courthouse, her hobbit attorney and the prosecutor disappeared into the judge’s chambers to conduct a miraculous eleventh hour plea deal. Which is fascinating, considering she has adamantly refused ANY deal that includes rehab or jail time. Because its hard to chug 2 liters of vodka a day AND keep up your drug habit in either of thise settings. Meanwhile, Our Blessed Crackhead was escorted by six guards to the restroom, where she likely excreted the drugs she mules for Charlie Sheen. 

4. Her delightfully comical hobbit lawyer waved his magic wand and struck a new and improved deal for the greasy haired zombified mess.  And it’s like nothing they’ve ever tried before: 90 days of lockdown rehab, 30 days of community service, and 18 months of therapy. No driving. Drug testing anytime, anywhere. 

And that sounds totally reasonable, because rehab worked like a charm the first 5 times she went. And therapy is proven most effective on people who deny they have any problems to begin with. And she’s always shown up for community service, and taken it very seriously.  Especially that one time at the battered women’s shelter. And then again at the morgue. And it’s not like she would EVER ignore the court and get behind the wheel while intoxicated and clip a baby stroller or crash a Porsche into a semi-truck. 

Only in California… This girl could walk into court with a meth pipe, get stabby with the guards, and hump the prosecutor’s leg, and still skate….

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” – Edmund Burke

Dispatches From Planet Anthony

-Portal to Insanity

1. Sources say Jose took one bong hit too many before work. His neurons threw up all over themselves trying to build cohesive sentences, leaving him sputtering choppy ummms and uhhhs while generally butchering the English language and stepping all over his tongue. 

2. Baez Quote of the Day:
Tough call with the plethora of linguistic gems Jose dropped, but for me its a tie between “The truth stops here,” and “Who cut the cheese.”

3. After spending the whole trial denying Caylee’s remains were ever in the trunk, and attacking the State’s “junk science” experts that proved otherwise, Jose The Hemorrhoid On The A$$ Of  Humanity kerfumbled ‘n bumbled an admission the body was, in fact, in the trunk. 

4. According to the defense, George used duct tape once. And since he’s not willing to face jail time and  anti-pedophile fever all so Casey can get away with murdering his grandchild, he’s a d*ck of a father. So he must’ve done it. Reasonable doubt. Dig it. 

5.  Jeff Ashton couldn’t hold it in anymore and finally disintegrated into the giggles. 

6. Daffy coot Cheney Mason rambled incoherently for a spell.  Most spectators could only make out something about finding his father lighting candles, and Atticus Finch asking him what he should do. Oh, and it would be unAmerican to convict this lying slut. So be a patriot. Go America!

7. Linda Drane Burdick has a remarkable poker face. 

8. After placing a gold tinsel halo atop his greasy head, Jose informed the jury that everybody but him jumped into this high-profile case for money and publicity. Thunder rumbled from the heavens above the courthouse. 

9.  The Snarling Beast at the defense table put on her best Angelina Jolie Pout for the jury. All it did was draw attention to her strange chimpanzee mouth. 

10.  Jose referred to his client as a “lying slut,” not one, not two, but three whole times. It is unclear if he will use this character assessment while pleading for Casey’s life when the jury comes back with a Murder One conviction. 

Casey Takes Pen to Paper

-Planet Casey

When she isn’t shooting frozen death glares at honest witnesses, sociopathic strumpet Casey Anthony is furiously scribbling notes at the defense table, creating a literary tapestry of her court experience. But WHAT is she writing? Egg Tree News channels it for us:

SCREW. ALL. THESE. UGLY. PEOPLE.

Jealous much? That Jennifer Aniston wanna-be, Maria. Well guess what; I’m the Angelina Jolie in this equation. Nice glasses, career girl. You look stupid enough to WORK for money. Struttin in here thinkin you can steal my spotlight. Jose BETTER tell this ugly jury she didn’t want me around her man Clint. Especially after that Hot Body contest. Can you say ENVY?

Yeah, so what, so I danced around a little, big deal?! Oooh, a 22 year old hottie danced with her friends; she must have just killed someone. Stupid cops. I TOLD them, I was LOOKING FOR ZENAIDA AT FUSIAN. And the brainiac shot-girls can’t direct themselves. I was practically working.

I. WANT. MY. OWN. STYLIST.

My own mother! She won’t even look at me! And its HER fault I’m here! I’m the one who’s supposed to ignore HER. THAT’S how its worked for almost 3 years. She knows the rules: she pines away at me, and I ignore her. Oh, I am gonna MAKE that bitch look at me. I’m gonna make EVERYBODY look at me. In a tight shirt. I’ll figure somethin out.

Uggggghhh….GREEEEAAAAT… Amy. This bitch. Who does she think she is, suing me? If she was a real friend, she would let me steal from her. You just wait till Jose tells these dumbass jurors how quick you jumped on my sloppy seconds, you jealous drunkard. Two jobs?!?! I mean, really?! Haven’t you figured out how to steal for a living yet?

What is this a-hole Yuri Melich doing here? Hasn’t he ruined my life enough? Now we have to recount how he LET me lie to him just so he could arrest me for lying? That was SO traumatic for me. Jose will rip him to shreds for that.

Sweeeeeeet! Videos of me! Ooh, I look good in this Universal one. Its so obvious Allen and Melich are flirting with me. I mean, who wouldn’t? Funny how they only badger me when I don’t flirt back. They’re so mean to me. Hello, I have RIGHTS!?!?!

Note to self: You are an AWESOME liar.

Wonderful. Jailhouse visits with the whole famn damily. Let’s relive THIS. I get so sad in these, and I can’t bear to see myself cry. I’m already welling up. How could they let me sit in jail like that? I mean, would it have killed them to sell some pictures of Caylee to the media to pay my bail? It didn’t even occur to them? Really?!?! Its like I don’t even matter to them.

And WHY didn’t Jose have these tapes destroyed like I told him to? What do I pay this assbag for?!

God, I’ve totally lost my tan.

Why does Jose keep telling me to cry? Now he’s got Stringbean Sims riding my ass about it too. Its so annoying.

Uggggghhhh. I HATE science. Shut up junk scientist. Ooh, but he’s talking about hair, I like hair! They should talk about my hairstyles over the years. Show more pictures of me. The car trunk is boring.