Cake or Death

-HowMuchLonger, Arizona

Here’s a new thread since the last one is taking forever to load. Cease the day by conversating contemporaneously to waiting for the official verdict in the penalty phase of the Arias trial.

Storytime With the Demon

-ForTotallySeriously, Arizona

Local demon Jodi Arias hosted an ipicac-tastic storyhour this afternoon at the Maricopa County courthouse. As a precautionary measure, barf buckets were placed beneath every seat in the gallery. And they came in handy. After abandoning last week’s “Help me, hence ho, I wish to live no more” act that landed her in the psych ward, the modern day Einstein has pulled an abrupt 180, and is now listlessly pleading for her life. On camera! 

Tumbleweeds blew through the courtroom as the solo witness to her own awesomeness approached the storytellin’ podium. Wearing her best “I’m sowwy” smirk, Stabby referred to Satan’s memo pad as she read off a litany of reasons she believes her pathetic life should be spared. And she could really do a lot of good things in prison. Especially with her hair. The hellspawn is willing to part with her immaculate tresses to provide wigs for cancer patients who long for the luscious locks of a murderer to grace their heads as they fight deadly diseases. 

Stabby Einstein is also determined to help her fellow inmates learn to speak Spanish; a language she herself barely knows. And since only 90% of the Arizona prison population currently speaks fluent Spanish, they are obviously in dire need of her services. 

Demons also believe in recycling! She is commited to instituting a program at the prison that will single handedly save the planet. She might want to start by reducing, reusing, or just plain eliminating those plastic water bottles that she carries around like accessories. 

Satan’s martyr also plans to promote literacy, and contemporaneously stimulate higher learning by forming a book club wherein undereducated inmates can “conversate” like real academics. First masterpiece on the list: Professor Arias’ highly anticipated manifesto. 

And of course she siezed the opportunity to give a riveting slideshow of her miraculously traced artwork! Was there ever any doubt the artiste would reveal her gallery of wonders as a mitigating factor?! 

But Stabby clarified that her sudden wellspring of goodwill and philanthropy is not just motivated by her own desire to live; she simply doesn’t want her beloved family to see her put to death. You know, the same family she claims abused her, and offered her no support in life, and basically made her into the monster she is. The family that isn’t pleading for her life themselves. So she’s really just thinking of them in all this.  Selfless, this one. 

The jury is currently deliberating the demon’s sentence. 

Bring Your Own Barf Bucket

-DryHeaveFalls, Arizona

The last thread was loading really slow, so here’s a new one. I’ll write a new post as soon as I stop gagging from Stabby’s speech.

Nobody Loves Stabby Because Juan is a D*ck

-CryMeARiver, Arizona

It’s a hardknock life for a demon, especially when that a-hole prosecutor Juan Martinez is out to get you.  Just ask local butcher Jodi Arias. Or rather, ask her filibustering heffalump of an attorney, Kirk Nurmi, since he’s the seasoned professional paid to bitch and moan on her behalf. Today the irritating oaf pitched his decahemptillionth mistrial motion, on the basis that Juan is a big meanie to all of Stabby’s witnesses. So mean, in fact, that they can’t call ANYONE to mitigate for fragile maiden Arias during the penalty phase of her trial. Local Garbage Pail Kid “Pothead Patty” Womack, a stoner friend from Jodi’s schoolgirl days in Yreka, was all set to cash in on her testiloony about how nice the demon seemed last they spoke 20 years ago…until Juan came along and deposed her last week. You may remember Pothead Patty from her many interviews with Nancy Grace, or her memorable court appearances where she flipped off Martinez on camera. Unbelievably, the rude prosecutor had the nerve to query the known addict about her many drug charges, and also about Jodi’s drug use. What kind of dictatorship do we live in, where an agent of the court can question a witness’ credibility so harshly? Understandably, Pothead Patty immediately  plead the 5th, and refused to subject herself to anymore of Juan’s verbal and emotional abuse, leaving poor Stabby with NOBODY to convince the jury how awesome she is. Not even her own family members sitting in the courtroom. 

Nurmi’s smooth magic failed to work on the judge, who promptly denied his mistrial motion. Without skipping a beat, he and Homecoming Queen reject Jenny immediately asked to be removed from the case, since Juan’s ceaseless bullying prevents them from conveying Stabby’s true value to the jury- nay, to society. A swing and a miss. Also denied. So then they stomped their feet, looked at each other akwardly, and announced they would not call any mitigating witnesses at all, and would take their ball and go home. So there. 

Court is adjourned until tomorrow. 

Stay tuned to EggTreeNews for breaking developments in this story. 

Call Off That Execution. Stabby Can Paint by Numbers

Gallery of Miracles, Arizona

If Mr. Martinez knows what’s good for him, he’ll take that silly death penalty off the table Monday. Because in addition to being a modern day Einstein, local demon Jodi Arias is also an artiste the likes of which this world has never seen. And how can Juan be so cruel as to deprive mankind of her brilliant creativity? As it turns out, she possesses a rare gift that allows her to trace other people’s artwork and color it in poorly.  And Stabby loves sharing this talent bestowed upon her with us mere mortals. She even plans to display her wonderous works of copyright infringement for the jury during the mitigation phase of her trial on Monday. For free! And surely once the jurors lay their unworthy eyes upon her blessed collection of traced magazine ads, they will not only reverse their verdict, but will also beg for autographed originals. I smell an auction a-brewin’. 

It is unknown if the art professors of the world-renowned Yreka public school system will grace the court by testifying to Stabby’s innate talent. We can only hope to be dazzled by details of Jodi’s first dabblings outside of the “linear curriculum” imposed upon lesser twelve year olds looking for mere elective credits. I for one demand to know which junior high art teacher first introduced her to tracing paper and Teen magazine advertisements. Because that patron of fine arts deserves a slow-clap for cultivating such raw, original talent. After all, they helped launch her successful career in dead-end waitressing jobs. 

Sources tell Egg Tree News the “gallery owner” who likened her paintings to Monet and Van Gogh will be released from the insane asylum long enough to make a brief appearance to testify that young Rembrandt Arias also makes a mean blue waffle salad tossed inside of a top hat.   

Spectators are also on the edge of their seats wondering if the demon’s “professional” photographs will be included in her display. Says one admirer, “I can’t wait to see her huge volume of fuzzy self-portraits up close. I love how she disregards trivial things like lighting and shutterspeed, but still manages to capture the essence of her inner demon in every picture.”

As jurors peruse the gallery, Homecoming Queen reject Jenny will serve complimentary pot brownies and cheese platters in an effort to launch her new side catering business, “And Munchies for All.” Heavy D Nurmi, in full maitre-de attire, will covertly place gift bags full of tootsie rolls and poprocks on each juror’s chair, along with a handwritten note reading, “Yo, the D.P. is for uglies who cant trace good. This bitch can trace Grace Kelly, man. GRACE KELLY.”

Stay tuned to EggTreeNews for developments in this breaking story. 

…This B*tch….

ShakeYourHead, Arizona

The pothole brained demon has successfully halted the mitigation proceedings until Monday. In the meantime, she will be locked in solitary confinement practicing how to cry without looking like she’s on the verge of dissolving into the giggles. She will also buff and shine the argument that her traced, paint-by-number artwork should serve as a mitigating factor somehow. Good luck with that, Stabby.

Please “conversate” until then.

And a great big Thank You to EggBeaterSub’nBarkeepCarol for continuing to be such a great babysitter. You are much appreciated.

Aggravating Mitigators

-Wooden Spoon Wasteland, Arizona

Here’s a thread to “conversate” about the mitigation phase of Stabby’s trial. Enjoy!