Nobody Loves Stabby Because Juan is a D*ck

-CryMeARiver, Arizona

It’s a hardknock life for a demon, especially when that a-hole prosecutor Juan Martinez is out to get you.  Just ask local butcher Jodi Arias. Or rather, ask her filibustering heffalump of an attorney, Kirk Nurmi, since he’s the seasoned professional paid to bitch and moan on her behalf. Today the irritating oaf pitched his decahemptillionth mistrial motion, on the basis that Juan is a big meanie to all of Stabby’s witnesses. So mean, in fact, that they can’t call ANYONE to mitigate for fragile maiden Arias during the penalty phase of her trial. Local Garbage Pail Kid “Pothead Patty” Womack, a stoner friend from Jodi’s schoolgirl days in Yreka, was all set to cash in on her testiloony about how nice the demon seemed last they spoke 20 years ago…until Juan came along and deposed her last week. You may remember Pothead Patty from her many interviews with Nancy Grace, or her memorable court appearances where she flipped off Martinez on camera. Unbelievably, the rude prosecutor had the nerve to query the known addict about her many drug charges, and also about Jodi’s drug use. What kind of dictatorship do we live in, where an agent of the court can question a witness’ credibility so harshly? Understandably, Pothead Patty immediately  plead the 5th, and refused to subject herself to anymore of Juan’s verbal and emotional abuse, leaving poor Stabby with NOBODY to convince the jury how awesome she is. Not even her own family members sitting in the courtroom. 

Nurmi’s smooth magic failed to work on the judge, who promptly denied his mistrial motion. Without skipping a beat, he and Homecoming Queen reject Jenny immediately asked to be removed from the case, since Juan’s ceaseless bullying prevents them from conveying Stabby’s true value to the jury- nay, to society. A swing and a miss. Also denied. So then they stomped their feet, looked at each other akwardly, and announced they would not call any mitigating witnesses at all, and would take their ball and go home. So there. 

Court is adjourned until tomorrow. 

Stay tuned to EggTreeNews for breaking developments in this story. 


Call Off That Execution. Stabby Can Paint by Numbers

Gallery of Miracles, Arizona

If Mr. Martinez knows what’s good for him, he’ll take that silly death penalty off the table Monday. Because in addition to being a modern day Einstein, local demon Jodi Arias is also an artiste the likes of which this world has never seen. And how can Juan be so cruel as to deprive mankind of her brilliant creativity? As it turns out, she possesses a rare gift that allows her to trace other people’s artwork and color it in poorly.  And Stabby loves sharing this talent bestowed upon her with us mere mortals. She even plans to display her wonderous works of copyright infringement for the jury during the mitigation phase of her trial on Monday. For free! And surely once the jurors lay their unworthy eyes upon her blessed collection of traced magazine ads, they will not only reverse their verdict, but will also beg for autographed originals. I smell an auction a-brewin’. 

It is unknown if the art professors of the world-renowned Yreka public school system will grace the court by testifying to Stabby’s innate talent. We can only hope to be dazzled by details of Jodi’s first dabblings outside of the “linear curriculum” imposed upon lesser twelve year olds looking for mere elective credits. I for one demand to know which junior high art teacher first introduced her to tracing paper and Teen magazine advertisements. Because that patron of fine arts deserves a slow-clap for cultivating such raw, original talent. After all, they helped launch her successful career in dead-end waitressing jobs. 

Sources tell Egg Tree News the “gallery owner” who likened her paintings to Monet and Van Gogh will be released from the insane asylum long enough to make a brief appearance to testify that young Rembrandt Arias also makes a mean blue waffle salad tossed inside of a top hat.   

Spectators are also on the edge of their seats wondering if the demon’s “professional” photographs will be included in her display. Says one admirer, “I can’t wait to see her huge volume of fuzzy self-portraits up close. I love how she disregards trivial things like lighting and shutterspeed, but still manages to capture the essence of her inner demon in every picture.”

As jurors peruse the gallery, Homecoming Queen reject Jenny will serve complimentary pot brownies and cheese platters in an effort to launch her new side catering business, “And Munchies for All.” Heavy D Nurmi, in full maitre-de attire, will covertly place gift bags full of tootsie rolls and poprocks on each juror’s chair, along with a handwritten note reading, “Yo, the D.P. is for uglies who cant trace good. This bitch can trace Grace Kelly, man. GRACE KELLY.”

Stay tuned to EggTreeNews for developments in this breaking story. 

…This B*tch….

ShakeYourHead, Arizona

The pothole brained demon has successfully halted the mitigation proceedings until Monday. In the meantime, she will be locked in solitary confinement practicing how to cry without looking like she’s on the verge of dissolving into the giggles. She will also buff and shine the argument that her traced, paint-by-number artwork should serve as a mitigating factor somehow. Good luck with that, Stabby.

Please “conversate” until then.

And a great big Thank You to EggBeaterSub’nBarkeepCarol for continuing to be such a great babysitter. You are much appreciated.

Aggravating Mitigators

-Wooden Spoon Wasteland, Arizona

Here’s a thread to “conversate” about the mitigation phase of Stabby’s trial. Enjoy!

Till Deathstar Do We Part

Real Life, Eggtown USA

Dearly beloved Eggtown residents,

I will sadly have to step out for awhile to deal with some heavy personal issues. Fear not, however, I will be back. In my absence, Carol will be playing moderator, so listen to the babysitter. What she says goes. Remember to feed the cat. No wild parties. Keep the treehouse clean. I might be able to drop in and “conversate,” but probably will not be writing any new posts for a bit. But like I said, I will definitely return. Use this thread to discuss any new developments that…develop…

Until later,

The Oracular Egg: Predictions for the Arias Trial

– Portal to the Future, Arizona

Homecoming Queen reject Jenny will withdraw from the case on the grounds that her new campaign for cheerleading squad co-captain is swallowing too much of her time. Juggling debate club AND pep rallies is too much to ask of any one stoner, so something’s gotta give. It may as well be her satanic mini-me sent from the bowels of hell to destroy humanity. Jenny’s got cheering to do. 

Heavy D Nurmi will also drop out.  Wednesday morning the judge will find a dirty IHOP placemat on her windshield reading “Yo, I quit this b*tch. Check ya later.” Reports will soon emerge that Nurmi has taken up residence in the cave of the local putt-putt golf course, blaring his favorite Bell Biv Devoe song, “Poison,” on a ghetto blaster 24/7. 

Left without attorneys, Stabby Einstein will proudly represent herself through the penalty phase, and will continue to win hearts everywhere. Testifying as her own character witness, she will draw an inverted pentagram on the floor, light a black candle, and hold a thoughtful “prayer session” for misguided jurors. She will wrap it all up with a live performance of “O Holy Night,” reverting into her true demon form mid-song. 

Shady puppetmaster Juan Martinez will use his thinkin’ parts and play Stabby’s post-verdict interview with Troy Hayden for the jury. 

Jinkasaurus will start psychoanalyzing jurors based on the number of breaths they take per minute. 

Nana Arias will be wheeled into the courtroom on a hospital gurney, complete with a walking I.V. programmed to beep incessantly whenever the death penalty is mentioned. The second the jury leaves the room, she’ll hop to the floor and sprint to the vending machine for soda and cookies. Because we all know longevity (and class) runs in the family. 

Charming arsonist Donovan will have to find a new BFF to stir the cauldron with. She and Nancy Grace really seemed to hit it off in that phone interview. Everyone needs friends. 

Stabby will refuse to look at her victim’s relatives as they address the court, and will argue she can’t bear to gaze upon anyone resembling “her abuser.” The very next day, she will hang her artwork (with price tags) on the courtroom walls, hoping to sell her portraits of Travis’ family members to any interested jurors. 

Will they or won’t they give her the death penalty? Let’s “conversate.” 

Stabby’s Got the Sads

-Boohooville, Arizona

Local demon Jodi Arias called out sick to court today. Just one day after getting convicted of the brutal first degree murder of Travis Alexander, Stabby Einstein came down with a sudden case of the human sads, and threatened to end her own worthless life. On TV! She’s currently on suicide watch in the psych ward, inducing eyerolls among irritated doctors, and likely snickering about delaying the aggravation phase of the trial until next Wednesday. 

So devastated was she by the verdict, she marched straight from the courthouse to a previously arranged, exclusive TV interview to sit on her pity-pot in front of some cameras and offend everyone for 45 minutes. With lipgloss! Because shame is for human sissies. In the interview, the demon blazed both its middle fingers at remorse, and let out a long stream of verbal diarrhea, blaming everyone and everything but itself for its current predicament. If only Juan, shady puppetmaster of the Arizona court system, had allowed fabricated evidence into trial, she wouldn’t have been found guilty. If only the jury had been influenced by her thoughtful “prayers”/ hexes on their behalf, she wouldn’t now be facing actual consequences. If only her victim’s family knew what a hypocrite he actually was, they might understand why she killed him. Basically, nothing is ever Stabby’s fault, and now she’s holding her breath until she turns blue, because she would rather die than spend her natural life behind bars. After all, “longevity runs in her family.” Don’t believe her? Just ask her father, who’s fighting lymphoma. 

And speaking of Stabby’s elders, it turns out Nana Arias was just blowing smoke up everyone’s ass with that wheelchair. Nana’s still got plenty of pep in her step outside the presence of the jury. Apparently longevity AND class run in the family. 

So everyone slowclap for Satan’s martyr in the custom-fit straitjacket.  What a trooper. She was willing to spend five years behind bars, drain taxpayers of $2 million, and trash her victim, all for a crime she’s supposedly now willing to die for. Boo-frickin-hoo. Suck it, demon. And not in the way you normally like.