Posts Tagged ‘Casey Anthony’

Silver Linings Everywhere

-Hell on Earth

1. Note to self: NEVER get murdered in Florida. 

2. Our Soon-to-be-Unshackled Damsel of Doritos faces quite the conundrum.  As it turns out, Joe Public is not exactly cool with the whole “unleashing a babykilling sociopath” thing, and has launched a rocketful of death threats in her direction, and now the homicidal harlot is forced to consider plastic surgery for her own safety. She reportedly dismissed the notion immediately. Not My Pretty Pony! No ugly surgeon’s scalpel of jealousy will touch the most beautiful horse face that has ever been. Nay, public disguises are the only option. But even then, the world will be denied the ocular blessing of a pint-size “perfect 10” equine with the eyes of the devil. Problems, problems. Join me in a round of “Nobody Knows the Troubles I’ve Seen,” on her behalf.  

3. If you ever have to perjure yourself, just do it in a Florida courtroom during a capital murder case. Preferably when the prosecution is trying to establish premeditation on a first degree murder charge. They’re totally cool with it there. Just say you’re doing it out of grief, like any good mother would. Nancy Grace might even treat you to a spa day for it. 

4. Apparently Zenaida also taught Stringbean Simms how to use a hair straightener. 

5. John Morgan fears that upon her release, the trollop will make a James Bond getaway in a penis-shaped racecar, and forever play hooky from her deposition for the Zenaida Gonzales civil suit.  So he filed an emergency motion to compel, which basically means, “Judge, tell this b*tch to show up.” And since Casey has a history of respecting rules and authority figures, we can rest assured she’ll be there. 

6. Tim Miller of Texas Equsearch also took a place in line to sue The Creature. He wasted $112,000 searching for a baby Casey now admittedly knew was dead. He turned away 15 other families with real missing children to help the Scamthonys. Go ahead, defend them. 

7. Never one to fade away into the land of obscure blood-sucking media has-beens, Leonard “YEE-HA” Padilla also had to jump on the civil suit bandwagon.  

8. Donna MacLean of Massechussets told Nancy Grace (and other media jackals with checkbooks) that her deceased son MUST be Caylee’s father, because he was in the southeast quadrant of the country around the time Caylee was conceived. Oh, and she just remembered this week that he told her once he had a secret love child in Orlando with a girl named Casey Anthony. For seriously. And why waste time on a boring DNA test before running to the media with this hot bombshell? 

9. If you are ever faced with death threats for helping a killer go free and living off a tragedy, be sure to drive your new, incognito, bright red Jeep (courtesy your murdered granddollar) all over town. I hear Home Depot is a great hideout. And don’t be afraid to get feisty with the annoying, intrusive media you’ve been coveting the last three years. Driving away with no comment is for people in fear for their lives. 

10. Officers are currently wading knee-deep in Laura Buchanan’s mistruths, half truths, and possible document forgings, trying to suss out any witness tampering issues. Good luck with that mess. 

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Dispatches From Planet Anthony

-Portal to Insanity

1. Sources say Jose took one bong hit too many before work. His neurons threw up all over themselves trying to build cohesive sentences, leaving him sputtering choppy ummms and uhhhs while generally butchering the English language and stepping all over his tongue. 

2. Baez Quote of the Day:
Tough call with the plethora of linguistic gems Jose dropped, but for me its a tie between “The truth stops here,” and “Who cut the cheese.”

3. After spending the whole trial denying Caylee’s remains were ever in the trunk, and attacking the State’s “junk science” experts that proved otherwise, Jose The Hemorrhoid On The A$$ Of  Humanity kerfumbled ‘n bumbled an admission the body was, in fact, in the trunk. 

4. According to the defense, George used duct tape once. And since he’s not willing to face jail time and  anti-pedophile fever all so Casey can get away with murdering his grandchild, he’s a d*ck of a father. So he must’ve done it. Reasonable doubt. Dig it. 

5.  Jeff Ashton couldn’t hold it in anymore and finally disintegrated into the giggles. 

6. Daffy coot Cheney Mason rambled incoherently for a spell.  Most spectators could only make out something about finding his father lighting candles, and Atticus Finch asking him what he should do. Oh, and it would be unAmerican to convict this lying slut. So be a patriot. Go America!

7. Linda Drane Burdick has a remarkable poker face. 

8. After placing a gold tinsel halo atop his greasy head, Jose informed the jury that everybody but him jumped into this high-profile case for money and publicity. Thunder rumbled from the heavens above the courthouse. 

9.  The Snarling Beast at the defense table put on her best Angelina Jolie Pout for the jury. All it did was draw attention to her strange chimpanzee mouth. 

10.  Jose referred to his client as a “lying slut,” not one, not two, but three whole times. It is unclear if he will use this character assessment while pleading for Casey’s life when the jury comes back with a Murder One conviction. 

The Whirling Dervish Chronicles

-Planet Anthony

The latest in the unruly whirling dervish that is the Casey Anthony trial:

1. Two greasy, cartoonesque private investigators set out on a bodyhunting adventure in Autumn of 2008, and were even bright enough to videotape the whole sordid mess. According to gritty documentary director Jim Hoover, Cindy Anthony ordered their tour through the swamp. But according to Weepy Lee, Cindy Anthony was the one who ordered the bobbleheaded duo to walk the woods. Even more confusing, Officer Yuri Melich testified that Cindy Anthony stated she ordered her bumbling minion P.I.s to investigate the woods in November.  

However, according to Cindy Anthony on the stand, it wudn’t her.

Okey-dokey. That clears that up.

2. The defense went to great lengths to establish through Dr. Bock that Caylee’s remains were placed in the swamp just two weeks before they were found in December. Then they went to great lengths to establish through Roy Kronk that the remains were definitely there in August. Then they established they are officially braindead. 

3. ***jazzhands*** Sally the Certified Traumatologist ****jazzhands****
A drunk Sally Jessy Rafael impersonator sashayed up to the witness stand and set the record straight about normal grieving behavior. Take notes for future reference. Dancin and partyin are clear signs of deep distress. Lyin and sluttin it up are obvious displays of mourning.  In short, anything and everything Casey did in those 31 days was totally consistent with a grieving mother who knew her baby was rotting in a swamp, says Sensational Stoner Sally under her spotlight. It must be true, she’s an expert. Just ask her “peer review journals” at Barnes and Noble, or Parenting magazine. 

4. The pouty Elvira impersonator at the defense table shed a lonely tear at Stoner Sally’s dramatic interpretation of her sad grievin ways, but glared frozen death rays at her broken father as he crumpled into a heap of despair testifying about his suicide attempt following Caylee’s death. 

5.  River Cruz/Krystal Holloway/ whatever stripper name she’s going by this week, testified that she sold her story to the upstanding National Enquirer tabloid because they “wouldn’t make her sound like trash.” Then directly after her testimony, she was kind enough to sit down for a national interview with judgmental mainstream media member Vinnie Politan.

6.  Baez and Mason were too distracted one morning by the annoying, intrusive media in front of the courthouse to use the private “lawyer’s entrance” in back, and came strolling into court about thirty minutes late to argue a critical motion. 

7. An unhappy TGIF waiter flipped off Ashton in open court.  It is unclear if the issue was prompted by Ashton failing to tip him at lunch.   

8.  The Snarling Beast did not take the stand to lie on her own behalf, and get shredded by the State on cross-exam. Buzzkill. 

9. Jose is the gift that keeps on giving for the State. He boldly established the Anthony family tradition of burying deceased pets in blanket lined trash bags sealed with duct tape.  Those people sure had a LOT of dead pets.  Side eye at the known killer in the family. 

10. Nancy Grace officially announced she would commit perjury for her children, putting herself in the same class as ENABLER Sindy Anthony. Geez, she really wants that interview…..

Relaxation Tips for Judge Perry

-Orlando, FL

Let’s face it, people: Honorable Badass Belvin Perry looks about THISCLOSE to giving Ignorance Personified (who goes by the alias Jose Baez) an atomic wedgie in court. It’s obvious Judge Perry has his hands full, and his patience is running thin. And who can really blame him? He’s endured two agonizing years of Jose’s chronic idiocy regarding everything judicial, his bloated ego, his contemptuous smirk, and his overall irritating manner of expressing himself.

And that flip-chart and easel.

Insufferable.

But luckily, EggTreeNews is here to help Judge Perry relax and unwind. Come the inevitable next chapter of Jose’s lunacy, he’ll be calm, cool, and under control.

*Exercise is key to stress management. Invest in a quality punching bag, and get your knuckles bloody for 20 minutes every morning before court. When you get to work, stare at Jose while kissing said bloody knuckles.

*To round out the althletic experience, practice yoga. Whenever Jose tries to pull a fast one, just halt the proceedings, and do a series of sun salutations in the courtroom to find your spiritual center. Jeff Ashton (and just about everyone in the room, really) might join you. Go Yogi Perry!

*If anyone deserves to be king for a day after yet another week of circus foolery, it’s you. So treat yourself to a Spa Sunday. You would look ADORABLE in one of those fuzzywuzzy robes, with your feet wrapped in hot towels, while eating peeled grapes and drinking champagne. I’ll even send you a crown to wear, to complete the ensemble.

*Deep breaths, man. Deep breaths. Deeper than that. They’ll take you to your happy place.

*Light aromatherapy candles all over your bench. During the relentless, boring sidebars, sculpt some sweet figures out of the dripped wax. Make them about as relevant as whatever Jose is bitching about.

*Its important that you don’t let Jose’s insanity penetrate your brain via the soundwaves created by his voice. So the second he opens his mouth to belch out his next argument, tune him out by blasting the Looney Tunes theme music in your head. Editor’s note: the voice of Charlie Brown’s teacher can be substituted if preferred.

*Purchase a diary with a good lock, and spill your guts about Baez The Unbelievable. Create an elaborate hiding place for it, and boobytrap the hell out of it. Then buy a decoy diary, in which you pay tribute to “Juannie Cochrane’s” MAD litigating skills. Hide it in a place the defense P.I. will surely find it when he comes a-snoopin’. Cuz you know he’s gonna.

*When all else fails, pop an Ativan. Make it two. Hell, just crush up a handful of ’em and snort a few lines before court.

who Is the Most Insufferable Talking Head?

-Planet Casey

Let’s face it: this trial has brought out some of the biggest dingbats in talking head history. Listening to them argue the most nonsensical defense theories imaginable leaves my brain feeling like that dotted high school wall. You know the one.

So who is the worst of the worst?

Shrill Shoutress, Wendy “don’t confuse me with the facts” Murphy.

President of the Defense Team Insanity Brigade, Jane “the louder I whine, the more convincing I must be” Weintraub.

Braindead bromantic love interest of Jose Baez and professional 70’s porn ‘stache groomer, Gerrrrrrrrrrrraldo Rivera.

Picasso School of Plastic Surgery victim Linda Kenney-Baden.

Lobotomized kool-aid guzzler, Sunny “Jose Baez ‘s opening statement was simply BRILLIANT” Hostins.

Addiction Addict Jane “let’s give weepy Casey the benefit of the doubt” Velez-Mitchell.

All around annoying Dr. Drew Pinsky.

The wavy-haired blond defense attorney on InSessions with the shrieky, megaphone voice who continually gives Vinnie Politan heart attacks with her insane ramblings.

Nancy “Cindy is the Mother of the Year who only broke the law to protect her daughter, so lay off already” Grace.

Feel free to add to the list.

Please discuss.

Frus(h)trated Actress Reportedly ‘All in a Tizzy’

-Planet Casey

The murder trial of sociopathic strumpet Casey Anthony abruptly hit the skids last week, in the midst of heavy forensic testimony regarding little Caylee’s remains. After spending a long morning viewing gruesome crime scene photographs for what couldn’t have been the first time, the up- until-now MINDBLOWINGLY stoic defendant allegedly came down with a case of “the feelings,” and had to be escorted out of the courtroom. And yes, the Earth stopped turning, the state of Florida shut down, and Honorable Badass Perry adjourned court for the day, saying simply, “Bitch is Sick. Go home.”

B*tch is sick, indeed. According to inside sources, the frus(h)trated actress is actually “all in a tizzy” over poor reviews of her recent performances in court. Theater critics worldwide and spectators with half a brain and a pulse have scoffed at her pathetic rendition of an innocent mother charged with the murder of her daughter. This inability to accurately portray a mother who gives a $hit has left her an akwardly frazzled mess of a tiny trollop in a booster seat at the defense table. In grownup clothes.

“She’s beyond frus(h)trated with this whole mess,” says the source. “She thought the role would be easy, and would win her freedom, fame, and a contract with Lifetime. Or maybe Penthouse. But nobody’s buying what she’s selling. She’s lost her audience, and its driving her crazy that she can’t manipulate them. She’s never experienced anything like it in her career, so she doesn’t know how to handle it. She might be going mad.”

Even with constant coaching from Telemundo Soap Opera writer Jose Baez and personal courtroom masseuse Stringbean Simms, the angry tart cannot seem to grasp the subtle nuances of the role. “Its kinda like watching an android fumble with emotion,” continues the source. “For her crying scenes, she sticks her fingers in her eyes and rubs her nose. Over and over. And whoever is in charge of her props needs to give her more than one tissue to work with. A single kleenex shouldn’t last hours.”

With the future of her acting career unknown, Our Shackled Damsel of Doritos reportedly soothes her frayed nerves with an afternoon cocktail of spicy peanuts, xanax, and Red Bull. “Its the only thing that calms her down after court,” says the insider. “She just wails in her cell, ‘Those ugly jurors won’t even look at me,’ and sometimes beats her pillow. She’s in a really bad way.”

Stay tuned to EggTreeNews for developments in this breaking story.

Casey Takes Pen to Paper

-Planet Casey

When she isn’t shooting frozen death glares at honest witnesses, sociopathic strumpet Casey Anthony is furiously scribbling notes at the defense table, creating a literary tapestry of her court experience. But WHAT is she writing? Egg Tree News channels it for us:

SCREW. ALL. THESE. UGLY. PEOPLE.

Jealous much? That Jennifer Aniston wanna-be, Maria. Well guess what; I’m the Angelina Jolie in this equation. Nice glasses, career girl. You look stupid enough to WORK for money. Struttin in here thinkin you can steal my spotlight. Jose BETTER tell this ugly jury she didn’t want me around her man Clint. Especially after that Hot Body contest. Can you say ENVY?

Yeah, so what, so I danced around a little, big deal?! Oooh, a 22 year old hottie danced with her friends; she must have just killed someone. Stupid cops. I TOLD them, I was LOOKING FOR ZENAIDA AT FUSIAN. And the brainiac shot-girls can’t direct themselves. I was practically working.

I. WANT. MY. OWN. STYLIST.

My own mother! She won’t even look at me! And its HER fault I’m here! I’m the one who’s supposed to ignore HER. THAT’S how its worked for almost 3 years. She knows the rules: she pines away at me, and I ignore her. Oh, I am gonna MAKE that bitch look at me. I’m gonna make EVERYBODY look at me. In a tight shirt. I’ll figure somethin out.

Uggggghhh….GREEEEAAAAT… Amy. This bitch. Who does she think she is, suing me? If she was a real friend, she would let me steal from her. You just wait till Jose tells these dumbass jurors how quick you jumped on my sloppy seconds, you jealous drunkard. Two jobs?!?! I mean, really?! Haven’t you figured out how to steal for a living yet?

What is this a-hole Yuri Melich doing here? Hasn’t he ruined my life enough? Now we have to recount how he LET me lie to him just so he could arrest me for lying? That was SO traumatic for me. Jose will rip him to shreds for that.

Sweeeeeeet! Videos of me! Ooh, I look good in this Universal one. Its so obvious Allen and Melich are flirting with me. I mean, who wouldn’t? Funny how they only badger me when I don’t flirt back. They’re so mean to me. Hello, I have RIGHTS!?!?!

Note to self: You are an AWESOME liar.

Wonderful. Jailhouse visits with the whole famn damily. Let’s relive THIS. I get so sad in these, and I can’t bear to see myself cry. I’m already welling up. How could they let me sit in jail like that? I mean, would it have killed them to sell some pictures of Caylee to the media to pay my bail? It didn’t even occur to them? Really?!?! Its like I don’t even matter to them.

And WHY didn’t Jose have these tapes destroyed like I told him to? What do I pay this assbag for?!

God, I’ve totally lost my tan.

Why does Jose keep telling me to cry? Now he’s got Stringbean Sims riding my ass about it too. Its so annoying.

Uggggghhhh. I HATE science. Shut up junk scientist. Ooh, but he’s talking about hair, I like hair! They should talk about my hairstyles over the years. Show more pictures of me. The car trunk is boring.