Posts Tagged ‘eggtreenews’

Even More Whirling Dervish Chronicles

-Hell on Earth

1. Word of the week: 
FLABBERGASTED- dumbfounded 

2. How many Floridians does it take to comprehend “reasonable” doubt?  Apparently about as many as it takes to figure out how to fill out a voting ballot (see 2000 election recall).  Twelve lobotomized fools from Pinellas County with the collective attention span of a dustmite took a whopping ten hours of their time to ponder the avalanche of evidence against Casey Anthony before aquitting her of babykilling. I’ve seen people take more time debating what brand of dental floss to buy. While it’s unclear exactly what these village idiots were doing during deliberations, we can definitely rule out glancing at their doodle-filled notebooks, asking to look at evidence, and seeking clarifications of any kind.

3.  Rather than “contribute to the media circus” with a standard post-verdict press conference, jurors opted to split town immediately after their controversial decision, one of them even holding out for a 5-figure payout. But others were gracious enough to give private interviews. “We were sick to our stomachs over the verdict,” said deeply distressed juror #3, after an all-expenses paid trip to Disney World, courtesy of ABC. “None of us think she’s innocent,” she despaired, as Mickey Mouse played the world’s saddest violin behind her. 

4. The ever-classy defense team thoughtfully acknowledged “there is no real victory here,” just before sprinting to the nearest bar to celebrate Casey-style with champagne, in full view of the media. Dotty Simms jumped up and down like a giddy school girl in dire need of a toilet, while Cheney Mason gave the press the middle finger. It is unknown if Jose Baez competed in a Hot Body contest in Casey’s honor. 

5. The public quickly vomited their rage all over any agency offering to line the homicidal harlot’s hotpants with more blood money.  Her dreams of cashing in on infamy were completely dashed when she was rejected by BOTH her top choices: the porn industry and Jerry Springer. WHAT THE HELL ELSE IS THIS WASTE OF FLESH QUALIFIED FOR? 

6. Some brainiac on the defense team thought it would be a great idea to send the most hated woman in America to live with long lost relatives in Texas, a state where everyone and their uncle carries a loaded gun. Legally. Awesome. 

7.  Upon realizing the bitter truth that baby killing sluts aren’t too marketable these days, and that an angry mob bearing pitchforks and torches will likely follow her wherever she goes, her lawyers announced she will spend time in a mental health facility “to grieve the death of her daughter.” We all know what that means: Hawaiian Spa Vacation, with an endless stream of Mai-Tais. As tipsy grief expert Sally Karioth testified, it ain’t mourning unless there’s booze and a string bikini somewhere in the mix. 

8. Cheney Mason took to the airwaves to bully the talking head lawyers critical of his client, and his court performance. The pompous windbag failed to mention he himself was among the critical talking heads before he hopped on the money train. Ass. 

9. Mama Gremlin Cindy might just get arrested for perjury over that whole chloroform/chlorophyll Google search fiasco. She might spend 15 years in jail for a b*tch who wouldnt even look at her in court. But the real question is, what effect will it have on her book sales? 

10. The odious creature will be deposed by Morgan and Morgan on Joo-lie 16 for the Zenaida Gonzalez civil suit. Tim Miller and Jesse Grund are also in line  to sue this b*tch, but they’re all gonna have to wait, cuz she has wet T-shirt contests to compete in! Shes gotta make money somehow, and she’s clearly not into the whole “work” thing. 

The Whirling Dervish Chronicles

-Planet Anthony

The latest in the unruly whirling dervish that is the Casey Anthony trial:

1. Two greasy, cartoonesque private investigators set out on a bodyhunting adventure in Autumn of 2008, and were even bright enough to videotape the whole sordid mess. According to gritty documentary director Jim Hoover, Cindy Anthony ordered their tour through the swamp. But according to Weepy Lee, Cindy Anthony was the one who ordered the bobbleheaded duo to walk the woods. Even more confusing, Officer Yuri Melich testified that Cindy Anthony stated she ordered her bumbling minion P.I.s to investigate the woods in November.  

However, according to Cindy Anthony on the stand, it wudn’t her.

Okey-dokey. That clears that up.

2. The defense went to great lengths to establish through Dr. Bock that Caylee’s remains were placed in the swamp just two weeks before they were found in December. Then they went to great lengths to establish through Roy Kronk that the remains were definitely there in August. Then they established they are officially braindead. 

3. ***jazzhands*** Sally the Certified Traumatologist ****jazzhands****
A drunk Sally Jessy Rafael impersonator sashayed up to the witness stand and set the record straight about normal grieving behavior. Take notes for future reference. Dancin and partyin are clear signs of deep distress. Lyin and sluttin it up are obvious displays of mourning.  In short, anything and everything Casey did in those 31 days was totally consistent with a grieving mother who knew her baby was rotting in a swamp, says Sensational Stoner Sally under her spotlight. It must be true, she’s an expert. Just ask her “peer review journals” at Barnes and Noble, or Parenting magazine. 

4. The pouty Elvira impersonator at the defense table shed a lonely tear at Stoner Sally’s dramatic interpretation of her sad grievin ways, but glared frozen death rays at her broken father as he crumpled into a heap of despair testifying about his suicide attempt following Caylee’s death. 

5.  River Cruz/Krystal Holloway/ whatever stripper name she’s going by this week, testified that she sold her story to the upstanding National Enquirer tabloid because they “wouldn’t make her sound like trash.” Then directly after her testimony, she was kind enough to sit down for a national interview with judgmental mainstream media member Vinnie Politan.

6.  Baez and Mason were too distracted one morning by the annoying, intrusive media in front of the courthouse to use the private “lawyer’s entrance” in back, and came strolling into court about thirty minutes late to argue a critical motion. 

7. An unhappy TGIF waiter flipped off Ashton in open court.  It is unclear if the issue was prompted by Ashton failing to tip him at lunch.   

8.  The Snarling Beast did not take the stand to lie on her own behalf, and get shredded by the State on cross-exam. Buzzkill. 

9. Jose is the gift that keeps on giving for the State. He boldly established the Anthony family tradition of burying deceased pets in blanket lined trash bags sealed with duct tape.  Those people sure had a LOT of dead pets.  Side eye at the known killer in the family. 

10. Nancy Grace officially announced she would commit perjury for her children, putting herself in the same class as ENABLER Sindy Anthony. Geez, she really wants that interview…..

Relaxation Tips for Judge Perry

-Orlando, FL

Let’s face it, people: Honorable Badass Belvin Perry looks about THISCLOSE to giving Ignorance Personified (who goes by the alias Jose Baez) an atomic wedgie in court. It’s obvious Judge Perry has his hands full, and his patience is running thin. And who can really blame him? He’s endured two agonizing years of Jose’s chronic idiocy regarding everything judicial, his bloated ego, his contemptuous smirk, and his overall irritating manner of expressing himself.

And that flip-chart and easel.

Insufferable.

But luckily, EggTreeNews is here to help Judge Perry relax and unwind. Come the inevitable next chapter of Jose’s lunacy, he’ll be calm, cool, and under control.

*Exercise is key to stress management. Invest in a quality punching bag, and get your knuckles bloody for 20 minutes every morning before court. When you get to work, stare at Jose while kissing said bloody knuckles.

*To round out the althletic experience, practice yoga. Whenever Jose tries to pull a fast one, just halt the proceedings, and do a series of sun salutations in the courtroom to find your spiritual center. Jeff Ashton (and just about everyone in the room, really) might join you. Go Yogi Perry!

*If anyone deserves to be king for a day after yet another week of circus foolery, it’s you. So treat yourself to a Spa Sunday. You would look ADORABLE in one of those fuzzywuzzy robes, with your feet wrapped in hot towels, while eating peeled grapes and drinking champagne. I’ll even send you a crown to wear, to complete the ensemble.

*Deep breaths, man. Deep breaths. Deeper than that. They’ll take you to your happy place.

*Light aromatherapy candles all over your bench. During the relentless, boring sidebars, sculpt some sweet figures out of the dripped wax. Make them about as relevant as whatever Jose is bitching about.

*Its important that you don’t let Jose’s insanity penetrate your brain via the soundwaves created by his voice. So the second he opens his mouth to belch out his next argument, tune him out by blasting the Looney Tunes theme music in your head. Editor’s note: the voice of Charlie Brown’s teacher can be substituted if preferred.

*Purchase a diary with a good lock, and spill your guts about Baez The Unbelievable. Create an elaborate hiding place for it, and boobytrap the hell out of it. Then buy a decoy diary, in which you pay tribute to “Juannie Cochrane’s” MAD litigating skills. Hide it in a place the defense P.I. will surely find it when he comes a-snoopin’. Cuz you know he’s gonna.

*When all else fails, pop an Ativan. Make it two. Hell, just crush up a handful of ’em and snort a few lines before court.

who Is the Most Insufferable Talking Head?

-Planet Casey

Let’s face it: this trial has brought out some of the biggest dingbats in talking head history. Listening to them argue the most nonsensical defense theories imaginable leaves my brain feeling like that dotted high school wall. You know the one.

So who is the worst of the worst?

Shrill Shoutress, Wendy “don’t confuse me with the facts” Murphy.

President of the Defense Team Insanity Brigade, Jane “the louder I whine, the more convincing I must be” Weintraub.

Braindead bromantic love interest of Jose Baez and professional 70’s porn ‘stache groomer, Gerrrrrrrrrrrraldo Rivera.

Picasso School of Plastic Surgery victim Linda Kenney-Baden.

Lobotomized kool-aid guzzler, Sunny “Jose Baez ‘s opening statement was simply BRILLIANT” Hostins.

Addiction Addict Jane “let’s give weepy Casey the benefit of the doubt” Velez-Mitchell.

All around annoying Dr. Drew Pinsky.

The wavy-haired blond defense attorney on InSessions with the shrieky, megaphone voice who continually gives Vinnie Politan heart attacks with her insane ramblings.

Nancy “Cindy is the Mother of the Year who only broke the law to protect her daughter, so lay off already” Grace.

Feel free to add to the list.

Please discuss.

Frus(h)trated Actress Reportedly ‘All in a Tizzy’

-Planet Casey

The murder trial of sociopathic strumpet Casey Anthony abruptly hit the skids last week, in the midst of heavy forensic testimony regarding little Caylee’s remains. After spending a long morning viewing gruesome crime scene photographs for what couldn’t have been the first time, the up- until-now MINDBLOWINGLY stoic defendant allegedly came down with a case of “the feelings,” and had to be escorted out of the courtroom. And yes, the Earth stopped turning, the state of Florida shut down, and Honorable Badass Perry adjourned court for the day, saying simply, “Bitch is Sick. Go home.”

B*tch is sick, indeed. According to inside sources, the frus(h)trated actress is actually “all in a tizzy” over poor reviews of her recent performances in court. Theater critics worldwide and spectators with half a brain and a pulse have scoffed at her pathetic rendition of an innocent mother charged with the murder of her daughter. This inability to accurately portray a mother who gives a $hit has left her an akwardly frazzled mess of a tiny trollop in a booster seat at the defense table. In grownup clothes.

“She’s beyond frus(h)trated with this whole mess,” says the source. “She thought the role would be easy, and would win her freedom, fame, and a contract with Lifetime. Or maybe Penthouse. But nobody’s buying what she’s selling. She’s lost her audience, and its driving her crazy that she can’t manipulate them. She’s never experienced anything like it in her career, so she doesn’t know how to handle it. She might be going mad.”

Even with constant coaching from Telemundo Soap Opera writer Jose Baez and personal courtroom masseuse Stringbean Simms, the angry tart cannot seem to grasp the subtle nuances of the role. “Its kinda like watching an android fumble with emotion,” continues the source. “For her crying scenes, she sticks her fingers in her eyes and rubs her nose. Over and over. And whoever is in charge of her props needs to give her more than one tissue to work with. A single kleenex shouldn’t last hours.”

With the future of her acting career unknown, Our Shackled Damsel of Doritos reportedly soothes her frayed nerves with an afternoon cocktail of spicy peanuts, xanax, and Red Bull. “Its the only thing that calms her down after court,” says the insider. “She just wails in her cell, ‘Those ugly jurors won’t even look at me,’ and sometimes beats her pillow. She’s in a really bad way.”

Stay tuned to EggTreeNews for developments in this breaking story.

Casey Takes Pen to Paper

-Planet Casey

When she isn’t shooting frozen death glares at honest witnesses, sociopathic strumpet Casey Anthony is furiously scribbling notes at the defense table, creating a literary tapestry of her court experience. But WHAT is she writing? Egg Tree News channels it for us:

SCREW. ALL. THESE. UGLY. PEOPLE.

Jealous much? That Jennifer Aniston wanna-be, Maria. Well guess what; I’m the Angelina Jolie in this equation. Nice glasses, career girl. You look stupid enough to WORK for money. Struttin in here thinkin you can steal my spotlight. Jose BETTER tell this ugly jury she didn’t want me around her man Clint. Especially after that Hot Body contest. Can you say ENVY?

Yeah, so what, so I danced around a little, big deal?! Oooh, a 22 year old hottie danced with her friends; she must have just killed someone. Stupid cops. I TOLD them, I was LOOKING FOR ZENAIDA AT FUSIAN. And the brainiac shot-girls can’t direct themselves. I was practically working.

I. WANT. MY. OWN. STYLIST.

My own mother! She won’t even look at me! And its HER fault I’m here! I’m the one who’s supposed to ignore HER. THAT’S how its worked for almost 3 years. She knows the rules: she pines away at me, and I ignore her. Oh, I am gonna MAKE that bitch look at me. I’m gonna make EVERYBODY look at me. In a tight shirt. I’ll figure somethin out.

Uggggghhh….GREEEEAAAAT… Amy. This bitch. Who does she think she is, suing me? If she was a real friend, she would let me steal from her. You just wait till Jose tells these dumbass jurors how quick you jumped on my sloppy seconds, you jealous drunkard. Two jobs?!?! I mean, really?! Haven’t you figured out how to steal for a living yet?

What is this a-hole Yuri Melich doing here? Hasn’t he ruined my life enough? Now we have to recount how he LET me lie to him just so he could arrest me for lying? That was SO traumatic for me. Jose will rip him to shreds for that.

Sweeeeeeet! Videos of me! Ooh, I look good in this Universal one. Its so obvious Allen and Melich are flirting with me. I mean, who wouldn’t? Funny how they only badger me when I don’t flirt back. They’re so mean to me. Hello, I have RIGHTS!?!?!

Note to self: You are an AWESOME liar.

Wonderful. Jailhouse visits with the whole famn damily. Let’s relive THIS. I get so sad in these, and I can’t bear to see myself cry. I’m already welling up. How could they let me sit in jail like that? I mean, would it have killed them to sell some pictures of Caylee to the media to pay my bail? It didn’t even occur to them? Really?!?! Its like I don’t even matter to them.

And WHY didn’t Jose have these tapes destroyed like I told him to? What do I pay this assbag for?!

God, I’ve totally lost my tan.

Why does Jose keep telling me to cry? Now he’s got Stringbean Sims riding my ass about it too. Its so annoying.

Uggggghhhh. I HATE science. Shut up junk scientist. Ooh, but he’s talking about hair, I like hair! They should talk about my hairstyles over the years. Show more pictures of me. The car trunk is boring.

Baez Pitches Telemundo Soap Opera Plot in Lieu of Opening Statement

-Planet Anthony

In a move of astonishing incompetence, lead defense “attorney” Jose Baez delivered a half-baked Telemundo soap opera plot in lieu of an opening statement yesterday in the murder trial of Casey Anthony. His slapdash, melodramatic presentation followed a long lunch break, fueling speculation of a defense team party at Margaritaville, complete with peyote and a hotboxed ride on the shortbus back to the courthouse. The proud Hispanic Hero, who may as well have been wearing a Zorro costume while pitching his nefarious plot ideas, waddled into the courtroom belchspelling “U.G.L.Y. C.O.P.I.N.G.,” and proceeded to dazzle jurors with wild and raunchy tales of sexual abuse, accidental drownings, bodysnatching meter readers with small bladders, corrupt cadaver dogs out to get Hot Mess Casey Anthony, and a nationwide conspiracy to obstruct justice.

Telemundo producers everywhere stroked their beards and nodded.

“This script has all the elements of a great Spanish soap opera,” said one producer who wished to remain anonymous. “I especially like the suspension of disbelief surrounding meter reader and bodysnatcher Roy Kronk. The leap from George disposing the body to Roy later MOVING the body is a high-drama twist crucial to any successful soap opera. Throw in the shock value of incest taboo, and you have quite a moneymaker.”

Even more impressive than the meter reader drama was lead actress Casey Anthony’s ability to cry on cue when hearing the gritty details of the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father. “The pictures of her baby’s duct-taped skull covered in muck didn’t phase her at all, but she sure turned on the waterworks when Jose so eloquently described waking up with her dad’s d*ck in her mouth,” said another Telemundo rep. So tormented by this monster was she, claims Jose, that she continued living in the terrifying demon’s house, even stealing tens of thousands of dollars from him while lying about having a job, and driving the car provided by him, eating the food in his refrigerator, and even leaving her beloved daughter with the twisted pedophile so she could go out and party Party PAR-TAY. “Its a hardknock life for Miss Casey, that’s for sure,” says the source. “She’s really mastered the victim role, which is a testament to her great acting. The kid’s gonna be a star.”

Stay tuned to EggTreeNews for developments in this breaking story.