Posts Tagged ‘entertainment’

Whitney Houston Crashes in Oz

-Brisbane, Australia

Crackhead singer Whitney Houston attempted to launch a comeback tour in Brisbane, Australia last week, but instead crashed in a pathetic blaze of sub-mediocrity. Some experts (and human beings endowed with common sense) speculate this is because Houston, an award-winning singer in her time, has spent the last two decades destroying both her voice and her life with crack cocaine. When her tumultuous marriage to bottom feeder and fellow drug-addict Bobby Brown ended in ruins in 2007, a haggard and scrawny Whitney finally entered rehab, fueling hopes of an eventual comeback. Diehard fans were ecstatic when a seemingly sober Houston announced the start of her “Nothin’ But Love” world tour late last year. The debut performance in Oz, however, was an astonishing disappointment.

Looking like the long lost child of Amy Winehouse and Keith Richards, a sweat-drenched Houston tuckered out after warbling a mere two songs entirely off-key. Fans also complained that Whitney’s powerhouse soul voice had deteriorated into a sound they could only liken to Courtney Love gargling drill bits. Perhaps frightened by her own vocals, the diva took a 20-minute break right in the middle of her set, exiting the stage altogether to reapply makeup and use the restroom. Her brother and backup singers akwardly filled the silence until she reappeared to grace them with her dazed and disoriented presence, only to ditch her lyrics in favor of erratic dancing. As one wise concert attendee put it, “She was not fit to perform. She seemed to be on another planet and the concert was laughable.” Another (former) fan remarked with a shudder, “It was the first concert I have walked out of in my life.”

But apparently the real offense occured during her karaoke-esque rendition of the legendary single, “I Will Always Love You,” when at the crescendo of the song, Whitney thought it would be a good idea to take a long pause to chug water and towel herself down before turning the song’s epic high note into a barely audible coo. “She didn’t finish any of her songs,” complained one Aussie. “She had to constantly stop and catch her breath. She did more talking than singing through the whole show. It was a disgrace.”

With fans walking out of the concert and demanding their money back, and critics worldwide roasting the diva’s flawed performance, the Houston camp naturally released a statement to quell rumors about Whitney’s rapid descent from sobriety/stardom: “Whitney is in great health and having a terrific time on her tour and with her fans,” said oblivious publicist Kristen Foster. “Her fans were dancing and singing along with her and Whitney appreciates their support.”

It is unclear if Houston was the only witness to these “supportive” fans.

Foster also explained that Houston’s voice has changed because she refuses to quit smoking- cigarettes, that is. Aaahhhh, well…upon reflection, it makes perfect sense to go on tour at age 46, for the first time in 10-15 years, with a voice (and lungs) already compromised by decades of crack-cocaine abuse, and still refuse to put down the cigs. A sound health decision for any world-class singer looking to make a comeback.

Bravo.

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Saint Angelina’s magical vagina allegedly moving in for the kill on Johnny Depp

-Hollywood, CA

According to sources in the entertainment industry, the vagina of unrepentant homewrecker and ‘humanitarian’ Angelina Jolie, is actively stalking its new leading man Johnny Depp, waiting for the perfect opportunity to bewitch him with its enigmatic powers. Saint Jolie, whose vajay-jay has lured both Brad Pitt and Billy Bob Thornton away from the far inferior crotches of their former spouses, has decided to continue the trend with latest sexpot co-star Johnny Depp. In fact, the pair are set to share a sizzling sex scene in the upcoming film “The Tourist,” in which Saint Angie plays (surprise, surprise) a gun-wielding Interpol agent tracking down a former lover turned criminal (Depp). Jolie and her vagina in a powerful role WITH a gun?!?!? What a novel concept!! Hopefully the “actress” can grasp this new, unfamiliar character along with Johnny’s nuts.

Apparently bracing herself for the full power of Angie’s Wondercrotch, Depp’s girlfriend of 12 years (and the mother of his two children), French actress Vanessa Paradis, has already contacted a support group spearheaded by previous Jolie victims Jennifer Aniston and Laura Dern, aptly called “Life After Angelina’s Wrecking-Ball Twat.” Brad Pitt, who has aged about 20 years during his tumultuous 4-year relationship with Jolie’s soul sucking snatch, is allegedly grimacing about Depp under his hideous billygoat beard. According to one source, at the top of Pitt’s list of worries is the rapidly growing tribe of weary, maladjusted, globetrotting orphans he calls his children. Says the source, “He doesn’t want Depp or anyone else stealing his ‘humanitarian’ thunder. He signed on to hold Angie’s collection of Third World babies for the cameras. That’s HIS role, and he’ll fight to keep it.”

But Saint Angie’s holy cooch clearly has a different plan; it has a life and a will all its own, and it will not be denied. Nay, it carelessly blazes a predestined path of destruction through happy homes worldwide, and NOBODY is safe. Rumor has it, once her vagina conquers the Depp/Paradis relationship, she and Johnny will pose with the new African baby they’ve adopted together on a whim, and tout their superior humanitarian efforts in the wake of their lustful destruction. All questions regarding her brazen immoral actions will be deflected with preachy speeches about Third World poverty, starving orphans worldwide, and how Paradis’ snooty French vag ought to just get over it.