Posts Tagged ‘Jodi arias’

Dispatches From the Inferno

-10th Circle of Hell, Arizona

A slew of rapid-fire developments happened today in the never ending trial of cross-eyed librarian and butcher Jodi Arias. And all in a half day! 

1. Woe is Heavy D Nurmi… Pitbull prosecutor Juan Martinez gets greeted by squeeing fans outside the courthouse, while he and Wilmott practically need a police escorted bubble car to protect them from death threats. So he had a nice boo hoo session in front of the judge this morning, and accused Juan of misconduct for having the audacity to walk out the front door and acknowledge people screaming his name. 

2. This is all Jinkasaurus’ fault. Heavy D was drowning his sorrows in bacon grease and Coors while watching HLN last night, slur-rapping the theme song to 1989’s “In Living Color,” when he SWORE he heard Jinkasaurus report that a juror saw arch nemesis Martinez chatting it up with fans after court. After belch-spelling a few curse words, and throwing pork rinds at the television, Nurmi vowed to grill Jinkasaurus about the incident on the stand the next day. 

3. Apparently on her way to a nightclub, legal analyst and rare dinosaur Jinkasaurus was kind enough to swing by the courtroom in a bedazzled sleeveless knit top and miniskirt to clarify her statement from the night before. She denied claiming she saw a juror who witnessed Martinez with his fanbase; she merely said she HOPED no jurors saw. So Heavy D said she said she saw someone see something when she didnt actually see anybody see anything. See?

4. So the judge called a recess until next Tuesday to get to the bottom of this mess by interviewing all 18 jurors on the couch in her chambers, and asking if they happened to see Martinez get accosted by groupies out front, and if so, how did it make them feel? Because it made Heavy D feel really bad. Like eating his feelings while crying under the bleachers bad. 

5. Those evil twins from The Shining grew up, and they both put on the feedbag. The two giggling dumplings also sported tasteful purple ribbons to support awareness of “the domestic abuse excuse.” Oh, and to mock the victim’s grieving family, who were told not to wear blue ribbons in support of Travis. Because the Arias family is spilling over with class. 

6. Domestic abuse expert LaViolette got back on the stand to continue her ceaseless monologue on the history of violence against women. Allegedly she met with Ugly Betty impersonator Arias and determined that 44 hrs x $350 + high profile TV cameras= Jodi was abused by Travis. And she even gave her some books to help prime her self defense theory. 

7. LaViolette then rambled for a spell about violence against women in popular movies, because that’s totally applicable in this case. Interestingly, a certain scene from Hitchcock’s “Psycho” never came up during her diatribe. 

8. Jennifer Wilmott is still dressing up Jodi like a My Twin Doll. I’m surprised she doesnt sit her on her lap and brush her hair in court. Maybe she’s afraid of her empty head popping off if she brushes too hard. You know those black eyes would still blink at her after rolling around on the ground. 

9. Jodi’s face is so gaunt it looks as if it’s sliding right off her skull. 

10. Somebody wake up Nurmi. He’s snoring at the defense table again. 


Heel, Juan! No Bark! Good Boy.

-Location Still Unknown (still alot of fog)

As spectators everywhere brace themselves for prosecutor Juan Martinez’s scathing cross examination of domestic abuse expert LaViolette, some fear his usual “demonically possessed pitbull spitting nails” approach might backfire and alienate some jurors. But we can all relax and rest easy. Because sources tell Egg Tree News that as a precautionary measure, Animal Planet’s renowned dog trainer Victoria Stilwel (of “It’s Me or the Dog)” has volunteered to coach Martinez and break him of his aggressive behavior before it’s too late. 

“Stilwel arrived in Arizona as soon as she heard that Juan would be questioning a domestic violence expert. She’s watched him snarl, growl, and bark at other witnesses throughout the trial, and while she respects and admires his passion, she fears the consequences of such behavior with this particular expert. And she knows she can fix those bad habits with a few simple training sessions, which may or may not involve muzzles and shock collars,” revealed the source. 

Juan’s obedience training began late this afternoon, with a few easy commands while on a short leash. Stilwel placed cardboard cutouts of LaViolette and other defense witnesses all over the yard, then tasered Martinez while screaming “Not Guilty Verdict!” whenever he instinctively lunged at the images while foaming at the mouth.

“This creates negative reinforcement of the behavior, and will make Juan less likely to attack when it comes time to cross examine,” explains the source. 

But while he’s making great headway NOT shooting out of a cannon right into the witness’ jugular, he still apparently has trouble obeying the “NO BARK” command. To deal with this challenging issue, Stilwel has employed a new and controversial training technique. “Whenever he goes into a barking fit, which especially happens in front of the Dr Samuels cutout (when he’s not busy peeing on it), Victoria tackles him to the ground, and whispers forcefully in his ear, ‘Jury Sympathizers!’ This seems to calm him down somewhat,” reveals the source. “And of course the belly rubs followed by Good Boy Treats really seems to help, too.”

Stilwel plans to sit at the prosecution table with all her training equipment, ready for anything, for the duration of Juan’s cross examination.  Which should begin approximately 3 months from now, after LaViolette finishes educating the courtroom on the entire history of domestic abuse involving everyone but Jodi Arias. 

Jury Fires Questions at Boss Hogg in the Fog

-Location unknown (too much fog)

Jurors in the Jodi Arias trial finally got to pose questions to the slow witted defense team’s Boss Hogg impersonator / “medical expert” today. This comes on the heels of an excruciating re-direct questioning by super professional 14-year-old debate club president Jennifer “Ummmmm-Umm….Eyeroller” Wilmott. And judging by the tone of the jury’s questions, despite all of Wilmott’s “ummmm… pause…. ummm- broken sentence- ummm” efforts, Boss Hogg is still wandering the foggy moors of Arizona on a vision quest, trying to find his credibility. The exhausted jury fired off over 100 questions for the confounding expert, citing his inconsistencies, and downright questioning his competence. Among some of the better questions (and entertaining answers):

“What is the more overwhelming instinct: fight or flight,” inquired one confused juror. Boss Hogg initiated his nauseating chair swiveling sequence here.  “The tendency the majority of the time is to flee,” he responded, as he pounded another nail into his patient’s coffin. 

“If your initial diagnosis of PTSD was based on Jodi’s lie about intruders, how do you know the self defense story isn’t also a lie,” asked one astute juror endowed with common sense. Boss Hogg again swiveled in his chair to face the jury, and explained that “all the other criteria” supported his diagnonsense. 

“How do you know Jodi isn’t just faking the symptoms of PTSD,” queried another bright bulb in the bunch. More swiveling, then some rambling about meteors and craters and amnesia in the desert, and WHY DIDN’T MARTINEZ SHUT HIM UP HERE? 

“If the decision making portion of the brain shuts down during acute stress, how did Jodi manage to cover up her crime immediately afterwards?” Again with the swiveling. I got dizzy watching him. Apparently the primitive portion of the brain takes over decision making when in “the fog,” and manages to do complex things like delete pictures of a homicide, wash and/or remove evidence, block off the crime scene with a dog gate, and leave voicemails for the victim “to throw off the scent for awhile.” 

“Would someone who premeditated a murder experience PTSD,” asked an individual clearly not from Pinellas. “It would be highly unlikely, responded the confuddled expert as he grabbed yet another nail and began hammering away at that coffin. 

“How do you know her trembling hands were a symptom of PTSD, and not a sign of her guilt or fear?” Well, because Jodi told him it was, of course. And she’s the real authority, after all. 

“Why didn’t you retest her for PTSD when you found out she lied about the intruders?” According to Boss Hogg, “the results of the test would have been the same regardless of the initial trauma. She may have even scored higher.” And who cares about things like thoroughness and accuracy in a capital murder trial, anyway? 35 years of experience allows for some sloppiness. 

“Do you feel you crossed an ethical boundary by giving Jodi a self help book about PTSD?” Pffffffttttt… Ethics, shmethics. He was just playing Captain Save A Ho…

“Is temporary global amnesia caused by the same stress you get after a bad haircut?” I burst out laughing at this one, because this juror must be related to me. 

And finally, my favorite quote of the day, coming from the good doctor:

“Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not a get out of jail free card.” 


Boss Hogg Gets Lost in the Fog

-The Foggy Moors of Arizona

Dr. Richard Samuels, the Boss Hogg impersonator and questionable “expert” hired by Jodi Arias’ mentally challenged defense team, endured quite a beat down by bulldog prosecutor Juan Martinez today. By the end of cross examination, he was wandering aimlessly through the foggy details of his own testimony, knee deep in contradictions and glaring at Martinez with a hatred that only Jodi could fully appreciate. 

As it turns out, the stout amnesia expert who diagnosed Arias with post traumatic stress disorder may have been a just little hasty. Because he based that diagnonsense on Jodi’s second fabricated tale to the police, in which two masked intruders shot and stabbed Travis Alexander, but inexplicably allowed fair maiden Arias to escape unscathed. Upon hearing her third fairy tale- the migraine inducing self defense excuse that would eventually exhaust everyone at the trial- Boss Hogg neglected to re-evaluate his original findings. 

All that expertise for a mere $250/hour!

But it doesn’t really matter, because as Martinez pointed out, the doc’s supersweet “test” was only as honest and accurate as the individual providing the responses anyway. 

It was here that Boss Hogg switched on the fog machine and began shooting death glares at the D.A. from the witness stand. 

He also discussed accepting dental work as payment in a custody case, and almost losing his license over it. Because he had jacked up teefs, and it’s not like lawyers can afford proper dental care, especially if they’re only paid $250 an hour.

Then he revealed that he concluded Jodi was a passive lass with low self-esteem who could never hurt a fly, based in part on her diary entries.  You know, the same journal she lied to after slaughtering somebody. Then he admitted that he provided the Ugly Betty impostor with a self help book all about PTSD, which she likely scoured to lay the groundwork for her global amnesiac defense.

The word hippocampus came up a lot. Once he called it the hypothalmus. 

Then he turned into a crazed snippy Sally, gesturing violently at Martinez as he questioned the validity of his research. “You’re misinterpreting my findings,” he yelled as he completely disappeared into the dense foggy mist, along with any shred of his credibility. “It’s post traumatic stress, God damn you! Hippocampus!Hiiiiiiipooocaaaampuuuussss!”

With her expert swallowed up by the mist, and her attorneys hanging their heads in shame, Ugly Betty sat coloring at the defense table in complete oblivion. 

Boss Hogg Impersonator Says Jodi’s Stressed Out, You Guys

-Hazzard County, Arizona

I thought it would never end, but after 18 excruciating days of testimony, they finally turned off the spotlight and pried black-eyed wingnut Jodi Arias off the witness stand with a crowbar.  In that time, we learned every raunchy detail we never wanted to know about her unambitious life. Every sex act, every unattentive boyfriend, every strawberry frappuccino, every outfit she ever wore on a date, and every drop of gasoline bought in June 2008. Jodi could tell you how many bubbles were in her boyfriend’s beer six years ago this Saturday, but when it comes to the gruesome murder of Travis Alexander- the whole reason she’s in an Arizona courtroom- her otherwise perfect memory draws a blank.  “It’s all a fog,” says the admitted pathological liar about the 29 stab wounds and slashed throat that ended Travis’ life. “I have no memory of that.”  18 days of testimony, and 220 pointed questions from the jury about the incident at hand failed to jog her memory. At all. 

Okey dokey then. 

While most of us with half a brain who can get one eye open know better than to buy ANYTHING that Arias is selling, the defense has brought in a Boss Hogg impersonator / medical expert to blame it all on stress. As in post traumatic stress.  And Jodi’s seriously stressed out, you guys.  All that murder wiped her memory bank clean, so of course she doesnt remember re-enacting Hitchcock’s famous shower scene. And that sounds reasonable. I mean, it’s not like she knew any of it was coming. It’s not like she stole her grandfather’s gun and drove a couple states away with the intention of commiting a homicide. And she didn’t bring those gas cans to avoid filling up the tank in Arizona and leaving a paper trail of her whereabouts the day of the murder, or to help burn evidence in the desert.  She was actually just in acute shock and denial of her horrific actions- which were not premeditated at all, as shown by the evidence- and was in such a fog she doesnt even remember throwing the knife out the car window into the desert- oh, wait a minute…

Get gone already, Arias, and take Boss Hogg with you. Youre an offense to actual victims everywhere. And i know this is petty, but your nose looks detachable. I keep wanting to pop it off your face like a Mr Potatohead doll. 

New Bat$hit Crazy Sociopath $hits Crazy Bats

-2nd Portal to Insanity, Arizona

Many moons ago, when 12 idiots from Pinellas with the collective intelligence of a Chia Pet foolishly aquitted a Beast (whose name we dont speak of) of babykilling, I told myself i would never again get sucked into following another murder trial. I couldnt bear to watch helplessly as Lady Justice lay battered and crippled on the courtroom floor, as an unrepentant liar and a porridge-brained “attorney” nomnomnommed her to death like a couple of zombies on The Walking Dead. That insufferable smirk. The pink tuxedo shirt of victory. The court appropriate mini sweaterdress and lipgloss on Judgment Day. The memories haunt me to this day. 

But sometime along the way, The Beast passed the baton of delusional foolery to another mildly photogenic brunette who also contributes nothing to society but exhaust fumes and herpes. And murder.  Let’s not forget murder. She crowned Jodi Arias the Homicidal Harlot of 2013 in a lavish underground ceremony just outside of Freakintardistan. I saw it all in the periphery, and tried to avoid getting wrangled into the circus tent. And yet here I am now, glued to the nonstop coverage of another pathological embarassment to humanity on trial for her life. 

If I didnt know better, I might argue these two heathens were fraternal twin sisters separated at birth and genetically programmed to snap simultaneously in June 2008. Damn you, Illuminati. 

Let’s examine the similarities:

High school dropout with no real job or future to speak of? Check. 

Serial boyfriend hopper with no sense of personal identity outside a relationship? Check. 

Never met a mirror (or camera lens) they didnt love? Check. 

Boycrazy sex addict? Check. 

Strange inclination to drive aimlessly with numerous  full cans of gas in the trunk? Check. 

Fumbling a large volume of $10 words into interviews to try and appear articulate to compensate for a lack of education? Check.

Shovelfulls of malarkey-scented fairy tales told to law enforcement with a straight face on June 16, 2008? Check. 

Total strangers to shame, humility, and remorse? Check. 

Proudly obscene sex kitten turned cross-eyed librarian when push comes to shove in front of a jury? Check. 

The list goes on and on. The main difference, however, is that Norman Bates enthusiast Jodi hasn’t shyed away from the witness stand like her predecessor. Nay, the monotone Arias has stayed crazyglued (pun intended) to the witness chair for nearly a month, reciting one bold lie after another, without missing a beat, and looking increasingly ridiculous in the process. And I’ve really learned some things. Until now, I never knew that a poor, frail abuse victim such as Jodi would voluntarily hop in her carriage and drive several states out of her way to pay an unwanted visit to a “violent” ex. I always thought the inclination would be to sever all contact and STAY hundreds of miles away from a”terrifying abuser” who wants nothing to do with you anyway.  But I guess that’s just me. Abuse victims these days… crawling through doggy doors with knives and guns and cameras hoping to have sex with alleged closet pedophiles…

I’ve also learned how much traumatized sexual abuse victim Arias loves to hear herself talk about sex. Of any and every variety. Phone sex, anal sex, oral sex, fantasies involving ropes and trees and woodland sprites and wolves (maybe i made up that last part, i don’t know, i got so bored I stopped listening), detailed accounts of what underwear her third boyfriend wore on their fourth date when he bought her a strawberry frappuccino from Starbucks that made her swoooooooooon for all eternity. She remembers each and every supposedly demeaning and “debasing” sexual encounter with victim Travis Alexander, but claims memory loss when asked about stabbing him 29 times and slicing his throat in self defense. Total blackout due to “trauma.” How convenient; her brain picks and chooses which debasing traumas to erase from its memory, even when her life is on the line. Beats everything I’ve seen. 

Shut your piehole and go away, Arias. You butchered a human being because he dumped you, and now you want to soak up the spotlight with your outrageous abuse claims that you think provide a license to kill. Youre a malignant sociopath, and your fake glasses and librarian costume fool nobody. How Travis’ family can sit in the same room with you and maintain any composure while you slaughter him all over again is beyond me. I would have to be pumped full of thorazine in a pseudo-coma to share oxygen with you. 

You make me sick.