Posts Tagged ‘natalee holloway’

((((BOMBSHELL)))): Van der Slut Totally Screwed by FBI, Peru

-Lima, Peru

Mind blowing new details have emerged recently in the Joran van der Sloot case, rocking the very foundation of justice around the globe- nay, the universe. Everyone’s favorite misunderstood murderer has (thankfully) found a way to inform us, from the depths of his squalid Peruvian prisonhole, that he is the innocent victim of an international plot to frame him for the slaying of Stephany Flores-Ramirez.

Wait for it…

According to the maniacal manslut, law enforcement agencies from various countries banded together to form what he calls the “Axis of F**kery” hellbent on destroying him. “Their evil knows no limits,” said Van der Slut, sporting his classic “caveman in the middle of a silent but deadly fart” expression, as he detailed the FBI’s intricate, diabolical plot. According to the wind-breaking Neanderthal, the nefarious agency went to great lengths to lure him all the way around the globe. “They layed a long trail of 25K $1 bills (and some free GHB), from The Netherlands to Peru; it was a really dirty trick they played on me,” whined the freshly orange-haired, black-hearted excreta. “Not only did they line the path to Lima with American dollars soaked in Beth Holloway-Twitty’s tears, but they also threw in my favorite first date candy. They knew I couldn’t resist that. What else was I supposed to do? This was clearly entrapment.”

The mysogynistic playboy went on to claim that in PHASE 2 of the sinister operation, the FBI orchestrated the high stakes poker tournament at the end of the money trail in Lima, essentially strapping the known gambler to a poker table right next to the unfortunate Stephany Flores-Ramirez. And it was at this point, claims Van der Sloot, that Peru merrily joined the Axis of F**kery, by rigging the tournament so that Stephany would walk with his cash, pissing him off to no end.

With their target now broke, humiliated, and seething with fury, the tricky cops then ordered Stephany, a petite 21-year old student, to follow Gigantaur Psychokiller Joran back to his hotel. You know, just to see what would happen… And when Joran left the hotel a short time later for some coffee and bible study, police raided his room Ninja style, miraculously avoiding the many surveillance cameras in the building, and brutally murdered Stephany by smothering her with the very shirt Joran had worn earlier that evening.

Needless to say, this bombshell contradicts the “confession” given by the Dutch(oven)man when he was first arrested for the crime, after a bad bleach job and a scenic cab ride through Chile. As it turns out, however, Joran really only signed that pesky sworn confession after being threatened with physical violence by police. It is unknown, however, if these threats were made before or after they promised him his signature would actually extradite him to Aruba, as he reported yesterday.
In the wake of these shocking revelations, a world police task force dropped everything and jumped right on the case. “Joran Van der Sloot’s claims are number one on our list of priorities. This young man has always been truthful with law enforcement in the past; we’ll get to the bottom of the issue immediately, and bring the Axis of F**kery to justice, rest assured.”

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Aruba to Stash Excess Garbage in Peruvian Jail Cell

-Lima, Peru

Arubian officials announced last week that they plan to stash their enormous sack of human filth, Joran van der Sloot, in a jail cell in Peru for the next 35 years. The putrifying sack, which has grown exponentially more offensive over the last five years, was originally stored comfortably in the aromatic, spa-like setting of Aruba’s ‘Justice Department and Country Club.’ Somewhere along the line, however, the wretched mass became self aware, and even sprouted arms and legs. Before long, the repulsive trashbeast had mastered the mechanics of human movement, and even threatened to destroy the livelihood of the entire island by scaring off tourists and garbage men alike with its hideous presence.

“We can only fit so much rancid waste on our picturesque island, and still sell postcards,” said one Arubian douchebag in charge. “We had to find a new place to put it. And besides, the vile putressence had expressed desire to travel and see the world. We thought he would look cute in a Peruvian flute band. So who are we to stand in his way?”

When asked if Peru had prior knowledge of Aruba’s intention to use their prison cell as a pseudo-landfill for their pile of black hearted excrement, the head douchebag in charge shrugged and said, “Nah, not really…. But we saw the space was empty, and it’s tourist season here, so we decided to just go for it.”

Needless to say, Peru does not appreciate Aruba’s presumption that their prisons were designed to house their free-range Dutch Trash Monsters. “We have our own garbage to store,” said one annoyed official. “Aruba should have destroyed this evil colostomy bag years ago. Now it’s become Peru’s problem. Thanks a lot, a$$holes.”

Stay tuned to Egg Tree News for developments in this breaking story.